Day 36 - 7 days

I think it has taken me the better part of 7 days to get back in the game.  My second round of Chemo really knocked me out.  Some moments I felt better than others, but it really got me down for a few days.  The thing with Chemo is it is cumulative...which is a big word for saying it just builds up and builds up in your body.  I am starting to feel and see the side effects.

So my Bossiness was at a bit of a lull.  But that is ok because I know I have a Bossy Posse behind me each and everyday.  It includes the neighborhood moms who take my kids for extended play dates, the lifelong friends that deliver dinner to our door, the meaningful conversations I have with new and old friends alike, my sister and her friend cooking us all breakfast on Sunday morning.

You all have no idea how much I feel your love, your thoughts, your well wishes each and every day.  I am totally humbled by it all.  Know that I am thinking of you, and thanking you as I go to bed each night.  This is not going unnoticed.

So with you all behind me I decided to get busy and bossy today at work - wore all black with a scarf my mom gave me, put on my favorite new platform shoes that literally make me about 6'4.  Strutting my bald self to a meeting and crash, bang, boom, pop goes the strap of my shoes.  Instead of looking like a confident chemo patient, I was hobbling along "campus" until my industrious friend and colleague found some duct tape and a stapler to rectify the situation.

Moral of the story - be bossy, take help when you need it, and get back in the game.

d

Day 35- Medical Insurance is good...

But you need an MBA to keep track of it all.

We spent the better part of the afternoon sorting through 34 days worth of medical bills.  Lets just say that if my treatment is going to last for 5 months - we are looking at well over six figures in coverage.  Well over.  Sure we will be out of pocket a significant amount of money, but it is nothing compared to what we would be facing without it.

Doug is in charge of matching up the bills with the bills.  I have zero capacity for such projects cancer or no cancer, I just can not wrap my head around the medical communities billing practices - nor insurance companies.  But I am thankful for both.

d

Day 32 - Auntie Kristy saves the day

As much fun as I had at chemo on Tuesday, the next two days really stunk.  Imagine getting hit by a school bus, sprinkle in some food poisoning, and a dollop of exhaustion and you get what I am talking about.  Chemo sucks the life out of you, while at the same time it is trying to give you your life back.  I appreciate all the hard work chemo - but I wish you would take it a little easier on me next time.

I am vertical for the first time in 48 hours so that is a good sign.  My hair is falling out in earnest.  Remember the scene in The Breakfast Club - Ali Sheedy's character making it snow...I can do that too!  Except my snow looks like those little chocolate jimmies the kids love on their ice cream cones.

Auntie Kristy came over last night and played with the Eikenkids while I slept, and Doug had a night off to go play a round of golf with some friends in from California.  She also brought a huge bag of candy - which I know I am not supposed to be eating, but when your mouth tastes like metal, a lemon head is an excellent remedy.

Glad I am on the other side of my Chemo this week- and that my next one is not scheduled until June 10th.  Need to work on getting my bossy back. 

Like they say at LIVESTRONG there are good days and great days - here's to today being a great day.

d

Day 29 - 2 down - 14 more to go

Now that was a fun chemo treatment - really it was.  I got to catch up with one of my dearest friends - we made fun of my LAME admitting nurse, was told by my Dr. very matter a factly that my tumor was already shrinking, and that he didn't really feel anything in my lymph nodes anymore, and we had butterscotch candy (my FAVORITE).

So the tumor thing was great news - it just shows that the chemo is working.  Dr. K feels that by the end of these 4 treatments it will pretty much be gone.  So yes I did ask why do I then follow it up with 12 additional treatments - bonus chemo as I like to call it.  It's a great big insurance policy he said- so fine I will sign up for it.

I am already fantasizing about the vacation we will take at the end of this all, and Oregon Football games in the fall, and the cute short hair cut I will be sporting for a while. 

Only 14 more treatments to go

Day 28 - Pre Chemo Jitters

Last time we went in for chemo I was worried about the emotional aspect of it.  Would I break down at the sight of the chemo chairs, would it bring back memories of sitting with my dad in the hospital, would I fit in with the other chemo kids.

The reality was a little easier - there were 3 other people receiving treatment, all women.  It was obvious that I was the newbie.  Tomorrow will be different.

One of my oldest friends is going to be there with me. 

My maid of honor, my best friend through college, the responsible one.  She has been my secret weapon for 20+ years, solid and steady.  Like all friendships ours ebbs and flows with life; husbands, careers, kids - and now cancer.  Never did we ever think we would be sitting in an oncologists office, with one of us on the receiving end of this type of cocktail. 

We should be sitting in a great restaurant, sipping a cocktail.

But I couldn't ask for a better chemo buddy tomorrow.  She will come prepared with great stories, embarrassing magazines and a big steady heart.  She will face cancer head on with me.  She is my bossy back up just in case I need it.

Bossy and ready for chemo.

d

Day 27 - "Friday Night was so great, we didn't even talk about cancer"

You can not imagine how good that feels.  I even spent the weekend sort of forgetting about the whole thing.  I wonder if that nurse would once again accuse me of being in denial.  The reality is, I don't want everything else in my life to take a back seat to the dreaded C.

I am really not a cancer expert, sure I know more than the average Jane, but I realize that each conversation I have about it is not just about me, but about how other people feel, or think they would feel facing the same thing. 

I get a lot of questions as to how I found out, did I feel the lump, was there pain associated with it.  What I typically tell people is no matter what your family history (and we have none), don't leave your heath up to your hopes and fears.  Or for that matter, what a person with cancer is telling you about his or her experience.    Each case is different, if you haven't had your checkup, annual exam, mammogram, colonoscopy, etc get to the Dr and have yourself checked out.

Bottom line, I am glad I felt a lump, and didn't ignore it.  Trust me you really can.  And I am glad that I headed the words of someone who I confided in that cancer was one of my greatest fears.  He told me, 'you are an athlete, you will know when something is going haywire in your body, and you will take care of it".  He was so right. 

Life is short people, don't waste it fearing the unknown, get out their and advocate for yourself.  No one else will - and if someone ever calls you Bossy, take it as the highest compliment.

d

Day 25 - "You have a gorgeous heart"

Now anyone telling you that would be an amazing gesture.  But let me tell you, hearing a cardiologist tell you that while performing an ultra-sound on your heart is the best time to hear positive words about your most important organ.  No less than 3 Dr's came into the room to admire my lovely vessel.

Who knew?

I guess all the healthy living has paid off somewhere - my blood pressure is super low, and my heart apparently looks like a 1990's supermodel.  Oh la la.

My heart has always been my dominate organ. I go with my heart in most decisions. It lead me to U of O. It caused me to marry Doug, at the ripe old age of 21, having only known him for a year. It has lead my career decisions. In short my heart deserved some kudos, not just for being beautiful, but also for being pretty damn smart.

It is also what tells me each and every day that we are going to get to the other side of this cancer thing.  It reminds me that I need to open my heart to all who want to enter it.  I am going to stop trying to protect it from the weird, the demanding, or the just too sentimental.  My heart can handle it all.

I have been hiding it for too long.  The word is on the street - she is gorgeous.

Full of Love and Bossiness.

Day 24 - "How are your kids?"

I hear that question a lot.  I wish I could say that they sit me down and tell me all their feelings about what is going on around the house, but that just isn't the case. 

When I told Graham, he just wanted to know if I was going to die.  I assured him that was not going to happen, and other than staying by my side for a few days, and being his usual sweet self, he seems ok. 

Harper wanted to know if I was going to give it to her.  Which just made me laugh.  I was more worried that the whole hair thing would freak her out more than anyone (including me), but she actually likes it.  She will sit in bed with me and rub my head - and helps me pick out a scarf or hat to wear every morning.

Harris has zero clue.  He likes his shaved head, and rubs it against mine all the time - we call ourselves "team baldy"  Doug and Harper are "team hair"

After the initial panic, fear, and terror of a cancer diagnosis, life does return to a new normal.  For me I forget most of the day that my body is working to shrink my tumor.  We just go about our business, and we are thankful for all that we do have - 3 amazing, noisy, adorable kids. 

I usually just answer the kids are alright - and most days I feel that to be true.

Make sure you raise Bossy kids - they will be able to conquer anything life throws their way.

H+D

d

Day 23 - I scratched my cornea

Seriously - on top of everything else.  But you want to know the amazing thing. It is healing.  Doug thinks it is a simple reminder of how amazing the human body is, and how my body has the ability to heal itself. 

I have been feeling pretty good all week, except for the eye, which is weird considering.  We are mentally preparing for my next treatment on Tuesday.  This time I am coming prepared with my friend Ali, some rag mags, and yes I will have my anti nausea medicine with me. 

Gotta run and rest my peeper.

d

Day 22 - "Just blame it on the cancer"

The running joke around work is that if I want to really go off my rocker, get bossy, and it bites me in the ass then I should just blame it on the cancer.  This can be used in the following ways:

"That is a ridiculous idea, but maybe it is just the cancer talking."

"Sorry I missed that deadline...by the way, do you know I have cancer?"

"I will not attend your inane meeting, I am too busy fighting cancer."

Like my friend Amanda reminded me, I better use the cancer card as much as possible, since I am not going to have it for very long.

Trust me, around Nike these excuses may come in handy - especially the meeting one.  I have never sat through so many meetings in my life.  When I was first diagnosed I thought life is too short to spend sitting in countless meetings.  Now I actually don't mind it.  Gives me time to visualize the powerful sparkles of chemo medicine going to battle against those sad cancer cells. 

Sparkles always win in the end, just ask Harper.

Healing and Dealing with Sparkles on the brain.

d

Day 21 - Being bald is easy to forget

Today I had a massage, worked a full day, had acupuncture, went to the gym and now I am pooped.

Most of the day I wore a hat and most of the day people asked me to take it off and show off my bald head. The guy who checked me into the gym said with true sincerity, "you look beautiful".

I am surprised how ok I am with it. The only real issue is that I have lost my cancer autonomy. Every person I run into, friend or foe needs only to glance my way and register what is going on. You don't realize how many casual relationships you have with your neighbors, barrista, even the guy at the cafeteria. Today I was ok with all the questions and looks but I must say cancer is boring me to tears this week.

Bored but Bossy

D

Day 20 - Doug

If you had a husband like me you would be bossier than cancer too...

This photo says it all.  Doug has been my best friend for over 20 years, a passionate supporter of my every move.  He did not flinch at the idea of cutting my hair in front of all of our loved ones, and today just keeps rubbing my head and saying how beautiful I look.

 We are at the beginning of all of this - only 15 more treatments to go.  But as Doug keeps reminding me, we have to start it to get to the end of it all.  There are two things I know for sure - I will be cancer free in September, and Doug will be right by my side for the whole thing.

A big shout out to all my peeps now sporting shaved heads - most especially to one of our best friends, Jonny, who shaved his head yesterday all the way in NYC.  I would do the same for each and every one of you, but I pray I never have to.

BTW - when you shave your head it feels, hot, cold, wet, dry, and tingly all at the same time.  I will be sporting one of the many hats I now have in my collection thanks to gifts from friends, and a great shopping spree with my mom today.

Bald and Bossy,

d

Day 20 - Let go

Now that was a party.

Tonight we celebrated being Bossier than cancer, and being honest, and open to whatever the day may bring you.  CHAP's focus is to always make even the worst situations something to celebrate, and we did.

My sisters braided my hair, and being the devout capitalist that I am, I sold the opportunity to cut a braid for a minimum $10 donation to CHAP.  We raised a lot of money.  I am not sure how to take it - with so many people willing to shell over hard earned money and wield scissors at my head.

Harper got into the action with the help of auntie Kristy.

 Frank our fearless leader made the final cut - imploring everyone to shout at the top of their lungs.

Harris was the first kid to jump into the chair to get his head shaved, followed by Graham and then finally...

Me.  Frank gave me my long awaited, but never seriously considered, mohawk...

which Harper gladly painted pink

It was quite a night.  I have personally never felt so much love in my entire life. Would love to be more eloquent about it, and perhaps tomorrow I will have more time, as for now - I am just too pooped from a good party.

Bossier now that I have a mohawk.

d

Day 19 - I love my hair

It is thick, and wavy, and has a crazy, now grey streaked, cowlick just like my dad had.  I can wash it in the morning and it will still be wet when I go to bed.  I go through a million rubber bands each year.  I can tie it in a knot, I can wear it in a high pony tail, a low pony tail, or just down.  It is probably too long, according to some people, for a 40 year old.  It is one of my better physical attributes.

I have kept it longish for a long time - more than 20 years.  Yes there have been flirtations with bangs, cutting it to my shoulders, layered all over the place.  But I always return to the same style, long.  Just like I wore it when I first met Doug.

Maintaining my hair took no maintenance at all.  I got it cut, and then when it got too long again, got it cut again.  I have never colored my hair - not for any paticular reason, mainly because I just could not find the time...but I had been considering it ever since I turned 40.

Tomorrow it all goes away - and with it I am sure part of my identity.  I feel like the So Cal teenager I used to be with my long hair - carefree and fun. 

We will see how I feel bald.  I worry for my mother - not because she will be upset seeing me without hair, but because it may remind her of my infant self - and according to her I was super Bossy.

Sweet Dreams Rapunzel - you bossy wench.

d

Day 18 - A little help from my friends

Acupuncture and a visit from Mom always makes one feel better.

We are taking a three pronged approach to my treatment - Chemo, Massage, Acupuncture.  One guess of the three that I enjoy the most...

Today was a visit with my amazing acupuncturist, who chatted with me for a while, stuck some needles into all sorts of body parts (remember Charlotte in Sex and the City?), and even treated me to some massage + cupping.  Now for those of you not in the know cupping is where they basically pull all the impurities out of your body using heated mason jars.  It took a really long time...ha!

The best part of the day was seeing my mom and sister Kristy.  I had not seen either since I was diagnosed, and was anxious to get hugs from them both.  Mom brought sweet wishes, cards, and gifts from friends in Huntington Beach, and Kristy bought me the cutest hat and earrings that I will be sporting after tomorrows shave down.

Did I mention that I am cutting all my hair off tomorrow - are you aware that you are ALL invited for the event:

New CHAP space
NW 16th and Savior
Saturday, May 14th
4pm - 7pm

Potluck
Bossier than cancer t's
Bossier than cancer wristbands
Bossier than cancer headshaving (dawnn), buzz cuts, or bang trimming.

Wear CHAP clothing as there will be lotza house paint and painting going on.  Be the nearly-first people to tag our new space.

BYOB - bring your own bossy
BYOK - bring your own, or others kids
BYOSHA - bring your own super healing attitudes.
BYFD - bring your favorite dish to share

Oh and don't forget this is a fun/fundraiser to benifit CHAP - Bring your spare change, checkbooks, etc!

Day 16 - A little advice

When a Dr. calls in a prescription, make sure you go pick it up.

In a nutshell for some reason I thought that whole nausea thing would not hit me 12 hours after my first chemo treatment but boy was I wrong.  I am not sure who felt worse about the whole situation, me and my belly or Doug.  Thankfully when we were able to get it this morning it worked like a charm and I am feel like my self again.

As an added bonus I also got to go back to the Dr. today to get a shot to help boost my immune system.  Only 15 more treatments to go!  Doesn't seem that bad does it?   I still feel like a normal person, but I am sure as soon as the hair comes off my official cancer person status will begin.

Healing and Dealing and feeling Bossier by the minute.

Day 15 - Chemo is really boring

Today was the first of 16 treatments I will receive over the next 5 months.  It's a lot like being the new kid in school, being the new kid at Chemo.  Doug and I made a dashing couple, and were suddenly hit with the reality of the situation...these treatments are long and boring!

My nurse spent about 30 minutes with us going over everything.  It felt like she was making a Barbara Walters type surgical strike to try and break me.  She kept asking if I had any questions for her, reminded me of the side effects (again), and finally accused me of, "being too calm".  Looked me dead in the eye and asked if I was in denial about the whole thing. 

Thankfully Doug was there - he tried to explain that this was just our way - we don't like drama, and getting all worked up about this whole situation is just going to get us...all worked up.  Yes I have cancer, yes I have to have 5 months of Chemo, yes my hair is going to fall out.  But guess what, today is Monday, it is all we have, and our Monday is going just fine thank you.  Sure there will be days that are really tough, but we are holding it together today.

My teammate (we will name it) - worked beautifully.  However I think we put her into the game too soon because OUCH! when that needle went in.  Honestly that was the worst part - otherwise I consider myself fully updated on the Royal Wedding, Brad and Angelina's relationship, and I got to read a few chapters of Eat Pray Love.  Doug had a nap and finished two weeks of Wall Street Journals.  Oh and there is Tea and Graham crackers.

Hope to see you all at CHAP this Saturday 4 - 7pm.  Remember this is the new space on NW 16th and Savior.  I will post the invite as soon as I have it.

Super Dooper Bossy today.

d

Day 14 - Happy Mother's Day

I have had every meal in bed today. Not so much because it is Mother's Day, but because I am recovering from this:

As I was being put under the anesthesiologist whispered in my ear, "you are going to do great dawnn", I told him, "I'm going to kick ass". I fell asleep to his laughter.

Bossy Mama

d

Day 13 - "Breath Cancer"

That's what one of Harpers buddies thought I had. We are not sure if Harper is confused or her friend Liam, but mama has some explaining to do. Harper would probably understand better if I called it boobie cancer.

Sitting in post op recovery room waiting to be discharged. My port has been inserted and I learned today it is more like a gutair pick.

Which is ironic since I just said to doug that maybe I will learn how to play guitar during chemo. Maybe next I should tell the univirse we would like to move to costa rica and then we would probably land in Mexico, which would be fine by me.

Coming home with my friend vicodin. Would usually refuse pain Meds but I think today I will welcome them with open arms.

Heading home to heal and deal

Day 12 - A good plan spoiled

Cancer is a big giant pain in my ass, totally cramping my style.  We had long standing plans to head up to our mountain house with friends this weekend, but since the surgery to place my port was scheduled for tomorrow, cancer has gotten in the way.  My amazing Dr. is coming in on a Saturday to do it so I guess I should not complain.

As part of the pre-surgery routine a nurse from the hospital called me today.  She had to go through those routine questions:

What medicine are you taking
Ever had a stroke, high blood pressure, surgery, diabetes
Are you a drug user, smoker, heavy drinker
Have you experienced a bad reaction to sedation

After honestly answering every question no, the nurse tells me, "wow you are really healthy"

To which I replied, "except for that pesky tumor in my chest that has gone awol on me and drifted out to my lymph nodes"

My surgery is scheduled for 2pm - so if you find yourself thinking about me around that time, hope for a nice sleepy sedation, followed by a successful port placement, with a scoop of Doug at the end of it all for me. 

And let's think nice thoughts about my port -a foreign object that will be part of my body for a year,and who's job it will be to deliver tumor eradicating medicine throughout my body.  Pretty important teammate I will be meeting tomorrow.  Hope it is as kick ass as me.

Got run - Getting Bossy.

d

Day 11 - Chemo starts on Monday

Now that is a sentence I never thought I would write - at least about myself.  As a good friend wrote me yesterday, "Still, I find it hard to wrap my head around it, particularly with you. I hope you will be flattered when I say you just don't seem like the type."

Flattered I am.  I am not the type.  I warned Dr. K that he better put me with the fun chemotherapy patients because with a few hours to kill there is no telling what could happen - especially with a little gallows humor and gossip rags.

Speaking of chemo a lot of you have asked how you can help - and I am holding to my promise to my mom that I will not only ask for help, but welcome it.  One of my oldest friends, Ali, is going to be my "cancer coordinator".  She puts the boss in bossy so watch out.  Ali will organize chemo buddies, food, playdates, manicures, pedicures, and maybe even my pantry.

She said it was ok to post her email:  alison@mollet.com

Come on get Bossy!

d

Day 10 - "this is the worst part"

I have heard that a lot from cancer survivors this week. I hope they are right. Mixed in with the, "worst part", is actually the best part. But we knew that already.

You see my father died of pancreatic cancer when he was 53 (I was 26), so that live life to the fullest lesson came early for me. But thanks breast cancer for the reminder.

The best part in all of this is the community doug and I have created together. It stretches from Portland to New York and all the places in between. It is an incredible outpouring of love and concern we are feeling every day. We knew we had a good full life, but never imagined this good.

Get out there, get bossy.

D

Day 9 - Oncologists are science nerds...

which is a good thing for me.

We met with Dr. K today, and after pounding him with a million questions, he very confidently laid out the next year of our lives:

I should be starting chemo in the next few days - I will have a port inserted into my chest (owie!), but that will prevent me from having an IV stuck in my arm every week.  My regimen looks like this:

AC (adriamyein + cyclophosphanide) every 2 weeks for 4x
TH (Taxol + Herceptin) every week for 12x
The goal after this is that I will have no residual disease - and you all know how competitive I am
Surgery
Herceptin every 3 weeks for a year
Huge Party

Speaking of huge parties - I came home to quite the surprise last night.  The famous Frank from CHAP was in my kitchen, with his Sous Chef Nanny Bess, making a FEAST.  I invited over 3 great girlfriends, and we all toasted to HEALTH.

Frank cooking in my kitchen

Get Bossy People and Heal and Deal.

d

Day 8 - You get a lot of hugs when you have cancer

After a week away I forced myself back to work this morning, back to my office, back to the place where I first heard the news.  But I needed a little normal in my life.

The long awaited CT Scan and Bone Scan results came, while I was sitting in my office...

ALL CLEAR!

Now one should not be as excited as I am to have stage 2 breast cancer - but considering all the alternatives that had been ruminating in my mind all weekend you would think I just won the lottery.


HD

d

p.s.

Save Saturday, May 14th on your calendars - we are going to have a Bossier than cancer party - details to follow.

p.p.s.

Graham's cancer eating fish...

Day 7 - the day of rest

I woke up this morning with a standing invitation to visit the soon to be new home of CHAP whenever I wanted.  I walked the 8 blocks, let myself in, and found buckets and buckets of paint.  Frank suggested I put some messages on the walls that would be painted over but that I would always know were there.  My message was simple and started with:

Mother - Wife - Daughter - Sister - Aunt - Friend

Graham 6, Harper 4, Harris 3

Doug

Along with my mantra - and what I feel may be my calling:

Bossier than cancer.

Frank came by later in the afternoon to tag the outside of the building:

I guess I better learn how to code as not only do I have this blog to keep up with, but apparently a website too.

Heal and Deal

d