Day 189 - Halloween

The Eikenkids got to dress up as their alter egos today.

Graham decided to dress as his favorite animal - a Shark.  A misunderstood fish that gets a bad rap every once for taking bites out of surfers and scuba divers.

Harper dressed, like last year, as a unicorn - horsey - pegasus.  Let it be known that she wore the same costume as last year, a costume that was about 2 sizes too small then.  We made some modifications, but I must say she did look like she was in pain half way through the night.

Harris went as Spider Man.  But not the red and blue one, the midnight blue one.  Yes he likes to wear tights, and yes he was upset that I didn't have black boots for him to wear.

As I watched them I wondered if they could really change their identity would they. 

Then I thought, if given the chance would I.

And as interesting as being a rock star, an astronaut, or winning the Pulitzer sounds to me, I wouldn't step out of my life for anything.

So tonight I put on my favorite costume.

I went as myself.

Day 187 - Nature

Or Nurture

I have been taken care of in many ways for the last 187 days. 

I am not sure when I needed it most. 

Was it the first few weeks after finding out?  When friends took my kids so Doug and I could sort through the myriad of emotions that were flying at us each hour.

How about the night all of you came and cut braids off my head.

Maybe it was when I started to receive chemo and the meals were organised, buddies were arranged, and prayers were given.

Balloons...

Or perhaps it was the past two weeks when I was immobilized.  When the women in my life fed my children, bathed them, read them goodnight stories, walked them to school.

It could have been when girlfriends looked at my scars and didn't flinch.

The days when cards from old teammates and coaches land in my mailbox just in time.

All of it has helped.

I thought the healing from chemo was going to be the hardest part. 

Never have I been so wrong.

The nurses made me take my Heal & Deal necklace off for surgery.

I put it back on today.

Day - 186. "De plane, de plane"

I have never considered getting a tattoo until now.

Let's just say two tattoos will be the crowning glory of my reconstruction.

And it shouldn't hurt at all.

Yesterday I went in for my every three week dose of herceptin. It felt a little foreign to walk into the oncologists office and have my port accessed.

When the needle went into my chest I almost flew out of the chair. It didn't hurt really, since my entire chest was numb, but it didn't tickle either.

Hopefully when it comes time to complete this reconstruction I will be used to the needles in my chest.

My sisters and I joked about what the tattoos should be.

Two hearts?

Winking eyes?

Kissing lips?

One of them was confused at first, not realizing what my surgery had removed. I told her, "when I said everything I wasn't exaggerating"

When I look in the mirror I am not surprised by what I see.

And I am not bothered by it either.

I just can't decide between hearts or nipples.

Day -184 - no truer words

I had to drag Doug out of bed this morning for my long awaited post surgery visit. He has caught some cold from Harris, and wanted to just lay in bed for the morning.

For some reason I had myself pretty worked up. I was convinced that they were going to tell me my cancer was worse than originally thought, that I would need more surgery, that my days were numbered.

I had committed the cardinal sin of anyone with an illness.

I had Googled.

At the office we chatted with the nurse about my pathology report. She reassured us that chemo had worked, but that it did not completely erase cancer from my body, surgery did that.

But because there may be some microscopic cancer cells out there radiation is the logical next step.

A friend who has gone down this path before told me, "think of it like wearing a belt with suspenders".

Having the drains removed was a cinch after that. All I kept thinking about was, "I am cancer free, I am cancer free."

When we got home I apologized to Doug for making him come to the appointment, I explained that I was so worked up, and was afraid I was going to receive bad news.

He just laughed and said, "you have been an A-1 patient. I am probably going to complain more about this cold than you did after a double mastectomy."

And you know what?

He is right.

Big time healing and dealing today. Drain free!

Day 184 - Drained

The worst part of recovery from a bilateral mastectomy is the drains.

Basically I have these really insane long tubes that run from my armpits to my waist with a squeezable bottle at the end. Fluid drains from my surgery sites through the drains and collects in the bottles.

For the first few days I had to measure the amount of fluid several times each day. Then I sort of got board of the whole thing and just counted the "sleeps" until they are removed.

I use the term sleep liberally since I have not been sleeping much.

Hopefully this will all change tomorrow when I have my first post op meeting with my surgeon. Typically this is the day drains are removed.

We will also get a better understanding of what our next steps towards NSD (no sign of disease) are.

Then we will finally get to plan a family getaway.

My hope is to jet off somewhere warm before radiation begins. But if not we will plan a big escape for after.

The Eikenkids are itching for adventure. They have earned it.

Day 182 - it takes a village

My tribe has surrounded me this week. My mom and sisters take care of me and the eikenkids as I try to lay low. Dear friends bring food for everyone. Flowers pour in. Girlfriends visit.

Today I had a visit from my friend Allison, who readers of this blog know lost her daughter Kayla in a terrible accident this summer.

It has been a life changing summer for both of us. But looking at Allison today I can honestly say we can survive anything. It takes hard work, it takes support, but we are resilient.

The news of my needing radiation has been tough to wrap my head around. It sort of feels like ending a marathon only to be told that the only way home is to retrace your steps.

I really want to get home.

An old friend wrote me today and said, "take a deep breath and charge ahead. It is a bump in an otherwise very long road. A road filled with love, beautiful children, amazing husband, friends and family".

She is so right.

I just needed a little reminder.

Day -181. Next

Yesterday was one of my lower points in cancerland. My brain was full of pain meds, muscle relaxers, and antibiotics.

Today I have a clearer head so I will try to explain what will happen next.

The pathologists found some residual cancer in my original tumor. Basically chemo crushed it, but a few cancer cells remained.

They also found residual cancer in 5 of the 15 lymph nodes that were removed. The good news here is that we know the cancer did not make it into my lymphatic system.

Trust me, that is really good news.

For all we know the cancer may already be 100% gone from my body, radiation is simply the ultimate insurance policy.

And since I have taken the throw the kitchen sink attitude towards my cancer treatment, receiving radiation should have always been part of my plan.

We are hoping that I will recover quickly from my surgery, that I can complete my reconstruction, and radiation should start in about 8 weeks.

From what I have read and heard the problem with radiation is you have to go every day, 5 days a week, for 8-10 weeks. And it can give you what amounts to a sunburn at the site.

Other than that it is pretty straight forward.

So let's look toward March for the cancer has left the room party.

I am looking forward to it.

Day - 180. More

3 days after a bilateral mastectomy the last thing one wants to hear is not great news.

My not so great news is that there was residual cancer in my breast tumor as well as in my lymph nodes. The great news is that radiation will take care of that problem.

Trust me I cried. I felt sorry for myself. I was pissed.

And now I am ready to heal so we can get radiation started.

D

Day 178 the road to recovery

I slept until 9am yesterday. I think I was exhausted anticipating my surgery.

My phone woke me up, it was my surgeon calling to say my surgery had moved up and that I needed to be at the hospital by 10am.

Rushing to get to the hospital with my crew, mom, kristy, doug was actually a good thing. We didn't have anytime to think about my surgery.

Doug and I had about an hour together as they prepped me. We had the most beautiful conversation about how much he loved my insides, that because we were soul mates our exteriors didn't matter.

I never doubted how he would feel about the new me. Having that conversation in my head calmed me as I was whisked away to the operating room.

From what I understand everything went well. There was no visible sign of cancer (yeah chemo), so we are cautiously optimistic. All will be known when the results of my pathology reports come in on Friday.

Last night was rough. The pain meds they had me on dropped my blood pressure too low, and as I was in and out of consciousness I would sort of forget to breath. The nurses found zero humor in that situation. Eventually we got it all sorted out and I was moved to my room.

Doug spent the night with me and was probably woken up 5 times during the corse of 8 hours thanks to my blood pressure machine, pain meds, dressing changes, etc.

I am home now, happily in my own bed, and heavily medicated.

All I can say is that I am so happy this part is over.

Healing and dealing

Day 176 - Here we are...

Tomorrow will look something like this:

Wake up and glad the day is finally here so we can get this behind us ASAP.

Refrain from ingesting anything.

Check into Good Samaritan at 11am

Surgery at 1pm

Surgery complete between 4 and 5 pm

Up to 6th floor for the night.

I may be home on Wednesday - or they may keep me another night - we are not sure until then.

And then it is time to Heal and Deal for Real.

If you are reading this I love you for that.  I feel all the good vibes, thoughts, and prayers that you send my way. 

Hope to have great news to report in my next post.

Way too tired, nervous, scared to be witty tonight.

d

Day 175 - Good grief

Unfortunately, if one lives long enough, one will experience grief. 

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross there are five stages:

Denial - Anger - Bargaining - Depression - Acceptance.

I think it is safe to say you can go through them all at once, over the coarse of a single day, or for years, each stage ebbing and flowing on its own. 

When I was first diagnosed I think I went through all 5 stages in my typical sleepy morning haze.  I kept waiting for that great feeling of, "it was only a bad dream" to wash over me, and take cancer away.  When that didn't happen I would push through all the way to acceptance before the sleep was wiped from my eyes.

That great nurse who so many months ago told me that, "this is not a death sentence" also told me that I needed to grieve the loss I will experience with my bilateral mastectomy on Tuesday.

Yesterday I went for a long solitary walk, and I tried to get myself through all 5 stages.  Pretty sure I have landed on acceptance, but I have to be honest, I hoped to live my life with all my body parts intact.

I also hoped to win a gold medal at the Olympics, and I have gotten over that. 

Like the great Rolling Stones sing:

"You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need"

Day - 174

I get to do one of my favorite things today, go to an Oregon Football game with Doug.

As an added bonus we snuck away for a few nights away from the kids.

I needed to take a little time to digest the last 174 days. And I am pretty sure it will take more than a weekend away to get me there.

Emotionally it has been hard.

Humans, if they live to old age, typically face their mortality 3 different times. First around age 5 when they realize they don't live forever, second when they have their first child and wish they could live forever, and lastly as they reach old age and begin to accept their mortality.

I got the added bonus of facing my mortality at 40.

The good thing is you begin to focus on those things and people you love, and push out all the other bullshit.

Trust me there is a lot of bullshit out there.

The bad thing is that it takes you to very dark places.

The other hard thing, emotionally, is allowing those around you to fall apart and to share deep feelings towards you.

It is weird to feel love expressed because people are afraid you may die.

Let this be a lesson to all of us, cancer is not the only thing that can kill you.

If you love someone let them know.

Day 172 - Jeans

I mean genes.

I wish I could recount all the genetic testing information I received today - in a nut shell it was something like this.

There are about 26 different genes that signal a genetic predisposition to breast cancer.  Of those, 2 have a lot of marketing dollars behind them, BRACA 1 and BRACA 2.  There is a third place contender but I have completely forgotten what its name is (bad marketing).

When you are tested and a result is positive, you sort of know what cancers you have a higher risk of finding.  Then you become a screening, testing, torturing yourself, vigilante to make sure that it never rears it's ugly head again.

If you receive a negative result, that just means that you don't carry 3 of the 26 cancer gene options. 

Or at least that is what I think they said.

The best part of it all came after two hours in the Dr.'s office when I learned that none of the tests are typically covered by insurance.

So I can drop 5k to learn that either I have to be terrified that cancer will come back in some form or just freaked out that it will.

I think I will save the 5k and take a vacation.

Day 170 - think pink

In case you haven't noticed it is breast cancer awareness month.

Everywhere I look I see pink.

NFL games, magazines, ribbons, shampoo aisle, dairy case.

If you manufacturer products of any kind, it is likely you have a pink version for October.

The cynic in me thinks enough is enough. Cancer marketing seems so weird, and over done.

And as much as I have always hated pink, I am forever grateful for the awareness it has brought.

Awareness made me realize the lump I felt needed to be checked out.

It made me have a mammogram.

It made sure that my hospital would have all the right equipment, that my Dr.'s could order all the right tests.

Awareness helped created a drug that specifically targets the type of breast cancer I have.

It made it a Federal Law that reconstruction after a mammogram is covered by insurance. Before then it was considered an elective surgery.

So enjoy all the pink, think of me when you see it.

We are both going to be around for a while.

Paul

The cute Beatle was married again over the weekend.

His first wife, Linda, was super kick ass. Vegan, artist, mother, and she didn't ruin the Beatles like crazy Yoko apparently did. (actually think it was john's fault, but that is another story).

Linda's only flaw was that she had renegade cells that turned into breast cancer. And as we all know cancer does not discriminate. Could care less about your race, your social status, the ages of your children, your love for your husband, if you recycle.

I am sure she fought hard, but unfortunately not everyone wins this battle.

We should all forget who he chose for his second wife. Let's just blame it on the grief over his beloved linda's death. No one in their right mind would have married that crazy eyed chick, especially without a pre-nup.

His 3rd wife seems like a keeper. She too had breast cancer, in her 30's, and beat it. And rumor has it she has more money than he does. Should help him get over that wife number two bit.

You never know what life is going to throw at you, who is going to get more time here, who is going to have second and third acts.

But for now there is still the possibility that one could have breast cancer and then marry a Beatle.

Day-167 girls rule

Well it has been a busy few days suprising my mom for her 70th bithday that looked something like this:

Wednesday- big sister andrea arrives, meet her and middle sister kristy for delicious dinner. I can not remember the last time it was just the 3 of us at dinner. (I know it almost happened years ago when as a family we decided to go to coco's for dinner. The three of us jumped in one car, parents in another. Each car went to separate coco's. In the age before cell phones it took forever for our parents to figure this out).

Thursday - pick up aunties in from Oklahoma, and mom's girlfriend, and head to Broders for surprise breakfast. Kristy arrives with mom, mom very suprised to see everyone. We wonder what the over under is on tears shed this weekend.

Later that night mom shocked to enter kristy's amazing new gallery show dedicated to her. More tears.

Friday - walk all eikenkids to school, meet up at French Bakery for final suprise, last of moms sisters have arrived from Oklahoma.

Head up to mountain house for a "girls weekend". Harper is in heaven. Denies missing her brothers.

Tonight we will toast my mothers 70th year with dinner up at Timberline Lodge.

It is a privilege to get old.

And an even bigger one to have such great women in my family.

Harper is a lucky little girl.

Day 163 - 7

Today the boy that made me a mother turned 7. 

We had a great party with friends and family over the weekend so tonight it was just our little family of 5 and the kids favorite, Chinese.

Then it was over to Ben and Jerry's so Graham could get his latest obsession, pumpkin ice cream.

Gigi sent him some cash, and Granddad and EO sent sharks and a microscope.  He was thrilled with it all, and I was surprised to hear him say that he may not want any more Lego sets for a while.

His money was burning a hole in his pocket so he decided to buy a $5 gift card at Ben and Jerry's.  So if you find yourself near one, and Graham is around, ice cream is on him.

Graham was saying that he thought he was going to wake up today and feel different.  We told him it takes a long time to grow up. 

And we asked him to please take his time.

Day 162 - There were Balloons

'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves'

-Freddy Mercury / David Bowie

entering my office

It is interesting what happens inside when you open yourself up to be loved. When you make a conscious decision to allow sentimentality into your life.

 

 

Today I felt some serious love from the group I work with. The simple gesture of blowing up a gazillion balloons and filling my office to the brim almost brought me to my knees.

 

 

It was a milestone day. The first day in over six months where I didn't have to talk about my next chemo treatment. Yes we have some road ahead of us, but I am glad that chemo is in the rear view.

The balloons floated all throughout the office.  I found them in conference rooms, bathrooms, even in the lobby.  They were getting the word out that today was a great day.

And I have a feeling they are going to stick around for a while.

Day 161 - Change is good

Remember her? 

That girl in the photo?  She has changed a lot in the last 6 months.  She is different.

Very different.

She was always pretty courageous, willing to put up  a fight, but she had no idea what she was really made of.

She didn't.

She had never been truly afraid of anything.

She had never truly been challenged.

She had no idea how many people loved her.

Now this girl, the one right there, she gets it.

She has been afraid, she has been challenged, she has been overwhelmed with love.

She has cried, she has yelled, she has been impatient.

And she can not believe how much you love her.

Day 160 - offense

My last chemo treatment was exactly as I hoped. One of my best friends, Ali, was with me, my oncologist felt no tumors, and we had the treatment room to ourselves.

We chatted, I took a nap, Doug arrived with presents for all the nurses (and me), we had lunch, and cake.

And we have now transitioned from taking things day to day to, "being on the offense". This means I am doing everything in my power to cleanse all the chemo out of my body.

Doug keeps feeding me all sorts of potions, vitamins, protien shakes, you name it.

I have two and a half weeks before my surgery, and I want to be as healthy as can be going into it.

We are Turning the corner here, I can just feel it.