Chemin De Fer

I had a short, throw away conversation with a friend today that has been ruminating in my head for a while.

To summarize, I paid her a compliment on her jeans (they were super cute, and looked great on her), she went on to tell me that just yesterday she was feeling self conscious about her weight, feeling bad about gaining a few pounds, but this morning she decided she needed to snap out of it, put on her cute jeans, and feel better about herself.

Which reminded me of two seperate conversations I had while we were on our trip.

The first was with a friend of over twenty years who told me he thought I would have no problem aging, that my personality would get me through the tough parts!  I was not sure if he felt I was currently going through a tough part or not, but neveryoumind.

The second was while Harper and I were changing into our swimsuits one afternoon.  She looked at my chest and asked me, "Mama did cancer do that to your body?"

And I simply said, "yes".

One thing that I keep reminding myself, is no matter what our bodies look like, wrinkled, freckled, grey, saggy, what we carry in our mind is what is interesting.  And while I am sure it is amazing to walk around built like Gisele Bundchin, it is also amazing walking around being me.

So, if you find yourself wishing you weighed a little less, used sunscreen when you were fifteen, or that your mom married Robert Redford, just stop. 

Appreciate that body of yours, feed it well, it is the only one you've got.

And when in doubt, put on your cutest pair of jeans, and feel better about yourself.

What a long strange trip it has been...

Back to reality we have landed, after 8 days of togetherness, we all went our separate ways this morning.

I have been a little shy about road trips, especially with 3 little kids, but I must say, we have just returned from my favorite family vacation.

Ever.

As per our family tradition we always ask the kids what their favorite part of their day was.  This time, we asked what their favorite part of the trip was.

For Graham it was being on the dock, and swimming in the lake.  He also loved when we went out on the ski boat, and he road on the "rock and roller"  basically a two person inner tube.

My favorite memory with Graham was watching him do the "swim test" with Doug by his side.  You had to be able to swim from one dock to the next in order to go life vest free in the water.

Graham made it, but also decided that it would be safer to keep his life vest on (which made me very happy).




Harper's favorite part of the trip was jumping off the dock, and swimming to "turtle rock".  She teamed up with the only other girl in the group, and had the time of her life.

I have said it many times before, but being around Harper is like looking into the mirror.  She LOVES to play any game, so we spent hours playing checkers and beginner chess.

Harris, in his typical fashion told me that he, "loved everything!", and I am pretty sure he did.  He swam non-stop, played Lego's, ate like a king, and wore his new black "Darth Vader" jacket every waking moment (he slept in it too).

My favorite moment with Harris was when our host, Tracy, made her amazing buttermilk pancakes.  Acting like an experienced Sous Chef, Harris helped measure, whisk, and stir the best pancakes any of us have ever had.





As for the adults, we ate and drank like Kings, wished Doug a happy 50th, and simply enjoyed each others company.

And we didn't talk about cancer.

Not once.

I see...

Yesterday we spent 5 hours in the car with 3 small children.  Today we did the same thing.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result right?

No - it really wasn't that bad.  The Eikenkids have about 3 hours of road time in them before they begin questioning when we are going to arrive at our destination.  A short pit stop seemed to solve the problem both days.

We are taking the back roads, so a lot of two lane highways, and wide open spaces.

My favorite part of today was when we were in the middle of nowhere, with a bright blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds, the kids kept shouting out what animals they were seeing in the clouds.

I think I could find about half of them.  The elephant and the mouse were undeniable, but I could never quite find the cat, or the pegasus.

My second favorite part of the drive was when I put on the New Wave station that plays relentless 80's rock, and even features Richard Blade!  (KROQ?  no idea?  then you did not grow up in the 714).  I love to show off my Name that Tune skills with Doug.  80% of the time I nail at least the band within 5 notes.

Doug only gets the most popular songs (Duran Duran anyone?), and shakes his head as I yell Kajagooogoo!  English Beat!, Bananrama!.

Every once in a while a song would pop up, I could sing the chorus, but struggled to name the one hit wonders - Doug was still impressed with my ability to sing part or all of every song.

And no I did not have a lonely childhood.

We made it to Reno for the night - wanted to give the kids the chance to just snuggle into a pull out couch before we land on our friends in Lake Tahoe tomorrow.

I already feel like we have had a vacation - and tomorrow it really starts.

On the road again

We leave today for a little family road trip.  The car is packed, the kids are excited, and we hit the road towards Lake Tahoe around noon.

I do the same three things before any trip with the kids.

1.  Buy new underwear for someone - this time it was Graham and Harper.
2.  Slip a new book / sticker book / coloring book into each kids backpack.  50% of the time I land on something they all love, and fighting ensues.
3.  Pack.  For my self, for the kids, but never for Doug.  (As my mom taught us, never start anything you do not want to do for the rest of your life).

At some point tonight we will land in Klamath Falls - we are staying at a ranch there, that in my fantasy has a lot of open land, friendly kids to play with, a nice hiking trail, and plenty of room to stretch out after a day in the car.

So here's to occupied children, long stretches of silence, and a safe trip.

Run Forest! Run!

I woke up to Harris crawling in bed at 5:30am this morning.  I had a moment where I thought I could either go back to sleep, or get up and get moving.

When you have 3 little kids, an 8-5 job, and a whole bunch of other stuff, it is hard to fit in a workout.

A few weeks ago when I was wiping the sleep from my eyes to get myself up for a business trip I thought, if I am willing to pull myself out of bed for work, I need to be willing to pull myself out of bed for me.

So this morning, instead of rolling over and sleeping for another hour, I popped out of bed, threw on my running gear, and hit the road.

I have said many times before that I love my neighborhood.  All it takes is a right turn out of my front door and a quick uphill mile, to be surrounded by the largest urban forest in the country.

Ever since we moved to Portland I have had a love affair with Forest Park.  During the first few rainy months of living here I would drop Doug off at work and take myself and Kafka up into the park for a morning hike.

We would venture deep into the damp woods.  Always on the verge of almost getting lost, but somehow finding an obscure trail that would lead us back to where we started.

My hikes with my dog morphed into meeting girlfriends at the trail head for a before work run.  It was a great way to not only stay in shape, but to connect with new friends.

My sister and I even took some of my father's ashes and sprinkled them up in the park one Father's Day years ago.  We did it not because it was a place he loved (my father never lived in Portland), but because it was a place we loved.  It is a place we know we will visit for the rest of our lives, and we wanted him to be a part of it.

The best way to describe how I feel when I am up in the park is Religion.  It is where I feel the most peaceful, it is where I breathe deepest, it is where I move fast and slow down at the same time.

Today it was just what I needed.

Moving on

No treatment today - no trip to the infusion center, no being weighed, poked, prodded.

I celebrated by picking Graham up from camp and taking him out for an ice cream.

He was playing baseball when I arrived, and I use that term liberally.

As hard as this is to admit, I am the parent of the child who looks at bumblebee's while standing in the outfield (facing the wrong way).

He claims to LOVE baseball - and in fact has made some great improvement in his skills over the last year.  And as much as I will not be the parent who forces their child to play a sport they don't love, I hope he finds the hardwoods more to his liking.

You see, he is taking after the grandfather he never knew, the one who was 6'7".

My 7 year old is almost 5 feet tall, and is wearing a size 8 shoe.

A men's size 8 shoe.

After our ice cream we decided to take a turn through the library.

Graham brought home two books.

PC's for Dummies and a book on Electrical Wiring.

Just like his grandfather would.

The Big Chill

It is hard to believe that for the first time in over a year I will not be receiving treatment this week.  Trust me I don't miss it.

My last treatment was pretty eventful.  Kristy came with me, all big and pregnant.  My nurse sat and chatted with us for about 30 minutes, talked about what my follow-up care was going to look like (blood tests every 3 months for the next 5 years), hot flashes, and babies.

Since I had my port removed, I received treatment via an IV in my hand.  Let's just say I am thankful that I opted for the port, not that I really had any choice.

The nurses cranked up the music, and we had ourselves a dance party while my last dose of Herceptin worked it magic.

First off was a little Foo Fighters - but when that got some frowns from the crowd, I had the nurses change the station to whatever they wanted.

First song up was from the Big Chill soundtrack.

I think there were about 3 years of my life where the Big Chill soundtrack was in my tape deck 80% of the time.  It accompanied me to my friend Jenny B's house the first time I was able to drive by myself.  It followed me and my high school crew up and down PCH for months on end.  I can belt out every song, word for word, even today.

So it was fitting, that on this most significant of days, any song from that time would pop up.  It felt like my old friends from Huntington Beach had ordered it up for me as way to say they had been behind me the entire time.

When my nurse pulled out my IV, and gave me my last band aid, I burst into the happiest tears of my life.

And I have felt that way ever since.

BIRTH day

I can't remember when my sister let me know that she was pregnant - I think it was right around Christmas.  Chemo was over, I was reconstructed, and looking for something to feel good about.

Anyone who knows her figured she would have been a mother 10 times over by now.  But life, as we all know it, does not always turn out exactly how we plan.

Sometimes it simply happens the way it should.

So our family was utterly over joyed that she was having a healthy pregnancy, and the birth of my mothers 6th grandchild would come a few weeks after I was finished with my final treatment.

When she asked that I be in the room during the birth I was a little gun shy about the whole thing.  After delivering 3 kids of my own, I am not sure if I was prepared for this new vantage point.

For those of you who have never had your own baby, or who were too afraid (or too old), to witness a human coming into the world let me just tell you, it is amazing.

The best part for all of us in the room on Monday night was we didn't know if it was a boy or girl, we didn't know the name, we didn't know when the baby would get to us.

What we did know was as the night was moving from Monday, to the beginning of Tuesday, this baby was going to be born 3 years to the day when its parents met for the first time.

An hour and a half into pushing I needed to sit down (it is exhausting being the assistant coach!), and take a moment to take in what was happening.

After facing my mortality, I think I am coming to terms with it.  Trust me, I want to live to see at least 50 more birthdays, but I also realize that as much as I want to live forever, it is simply not in the cards.

For any of us.

But here I was, alive at the moment another member of my family was about to start their own life.

I wondered what the world would be like for this baby.  I wondered what they would become, and I wondered how long I would get to know them.

And that is all we can really do - wonder.

And that is wonderful.

So after my rest, I was ready to get back at it, I was ready to see this baby being born.

About 20 minutes later, after 2 hours of pushing, out into the world came my nephew, Lucas Gene Burden.

And he is perfect.

And he is wonderful.

Simply today

I am a little embarrassed that I so dramatically walked away from this blog, only to realize, about a week later, that I missed it.

Part of what I was struggling with was trying to write every day. When a friend suggested weekly posts I thought, "self, you could totally do that."

So if you will have me back great! I can't promise I will write everyday, or that anything I capture here will be of much interest, but write I will.

Some days I will talk about cancer, how it feels to be on this side of it, how 3 people in the last month have come up to tell me that they, their wife, or their mother have been diagnosed. How each of them is thankful that their Stage 1 cancer was "not as bad" as mine. And how I reminded them that any cancer, is, well, the pits.

Other days I may just write about what it is like trying to raise 3 kids to have good manners, bathe occasionally, wash their hands, cut their nails, put their shoes away, brush their teeth, throw a baseball, learn to ski, be a good friend, and use a knife and fork. If one of them turns out to be a kid other parents can tolerate, then my work is done here.

And just to keep you coming back, tomorrow I will tell you all about my Monday night, Tuesday morning, which may have included me watching my sister bring another human into the world. A sweet reminder that yes, life goes on.