I don't even know where to begin.
It has been the hardest year of my life.
Today one of my closest friends wrote me the following note.
"thank you for going through Hell to be with all of us."
I simply want to tell the universe, thank you for giving me such a big, beautiful life.
One worth fighting for.
Full of friends and family who will never look at me the same way.
And that is ok.
It is interesting to be the person in the room that people are afraid may be a goner.
My reality put a hyper-focus on all my relationships, good and bad.
It brought me closer to some people, and clarified my relationships with others.
I am in no way perfect.
I do not hold the key to living in the moment.
I do not have an extensive bucket list to follow.
But I will tell you that it is the simple things in life, the small things that you love to do, that you will worry about loosing.
Not trips to Paris, not winning the lottery, not getting promoted.
You will hope to live to see your children graduate, from elementary school, middle school, high school, college.
You will hope to live to see them all married, and happily on their way to their own big beautiful life.
You will hope to hold your husbands hand, through each of those milestones.
You will hope that not one person you love ever calls you to tell you they have cancer.
I can not wrap my head around the fact that a year has gone by.
Tonight as Doug and I and a few friends celebrate this milestone I will toast you all.
I am not sure I could have done it without you.
Love,
D
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Day 362 - This really happened
Way back in 1993 Doug and I were living in Switzerland, where I was playing volleyball professionally.
The teams throughout the leagues in Europe are allowed two foreign players, most teams had at least one American player, many who I had played against at some point in my life.
After a game in Geneva, I sat and had a great chat with a fellow American named Cathey Scotlan. Cathey was an amazing athlete, an All-American, and future Olympian.
A few weeks later I was shocked to learn that Cathey had suddenly fallen ill, and lapsed into a coma.
I remember hearing that she remained in a coma for a while, but lost track of what was happening to her. In fact I had not really thought about her until last night.
I had forgotten that Cathey played volleyball at the University of the Pacific. That she was the teammate of my friend Sharon who many of you know passed away last month.
A lot of the UoP alumni attended Sharon's funeral, but unfortunately not Cathey.
You see, Cathey had remained in that coma, the one that started in 1993, all this time.
A former teammate decided to pay her a visit a few days after Sharon's funeral, wanting to let Cathey know the sad news that Sharon had died.
She found Cathey in the same room she had been in for close to two decades. She was upset that Sharon was gone, she was upset that Cathey was in this tragic state of limbo.
As she left the hospital she told the nurses why she had been there, how she felt Cathey would want to know about Sharon.
She was shocked to learn that a few hours after she left, Cathey died.
Some are saying Cathey had been waiting all this time to meet up with one of her teammates in Heaven. And once Sharon got there she didn't want her to be alone.
I am not sure what I believe.
But this did really happen.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Day 361 - The elephant in the room
Last Friday I had an appointment with my oncologist.
A total routine appointment, that I was all worked up over.
For a few days I had been experiencing a "burning sensation" in my back. I went so far as to locate what organs could be bothering me, and immediately suspected my kidneys.
I explained this to my Dr., who immediately said, "OK, lets talk about the elephant in the room. It is highly doubtful that this is anything to worry about, but why don't you stop taking all medication for a week, and if nothing has changed, we will do some scans."
She then asked if anyone had reviewed my latest echo cardiogram with me. It seems that the part of my heart that pumps out the blood is actually quite lazy. The baseline for this pumping is 50 and I have dropped below that baseline.
A few things could be causing this. My radiation to the left side of my body, as well as the Herception I am infused with every 3 weeks.
Being the competitive person that I am, I wanted to know what I could do about it. Which, surprisingly, is nothing. My heart is in good shape, except for this little, "malfunction".
The concern is congestive heart failure. (!) Not much I can do about it, except sit back, and wait.
With this on my mind I have been in quite a fog. The burning sensation in my back is going away, so it was either the meds, or my head playing tricks on me - likely both.
Last night when I came home I let all of this anxiety pour out to Doug, and finally said, "I am just super tired".
Doug just laughed and said, "So am I" as all 3 kids whirled around us at a million miles an hour.
Instead of thinking that all my aches and pains are related to cancer, I realized a more likely culprit.
I am getting old.
Heal and Deal
d
A total routine appointment, that I was all worked up over.
For a few days I had been experiencing a "burning sensation" in my back. I went so far as to locate what organs could be bothering me, and immediately suspected my kidneys.
I explained this to my Dr., who immediately said, "OK, lets talk about the elephant in the room. It is highly doubtful that this is anything to worry about, but why don't you stop taking all medication for a week, and if nothing has changed, we will do some scans."
She then asked if anyone had reviewed my latest echo cardiogram with me. It seems that the part of my heart that pumps out the blood is actually quite lazy. The baseline for this pumping is 50 and I have dropped below that baseline.
A few things could be causing this. My radiation to the left side of my body, as well as the Herception I am infused with every 3 weeks.
Being the competitive person that I am, I wanted to know what I could do about it. Which, surprisingly, is nothing. My heart is in good shape, except for this little, "malfunction".
The concern is congestive heart failure. (!) Not much I can do about it, except sit back, and wait.
With this on my mind I have been in quite a fog. The burning sensation in my back is going away, so it was either the meds, or my head playing tricks on me - likely both.
Last night when I came home I let all of this anxiety pour out to Doug, and finally said, "I am just super tired".
Doug just laughed and said, "So am I" as all 3 kids whirled around us at a million miles an hour.
Instead of thinking that all my aches and pains are related to cancer, I realized a more likely culprit.
I am getting old.
Heal and Deal
d
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Day 360- And so it began
About a year ago today I went in for my very first mammogram.
At the ripe old age of 40, I felt a lump, and figured I better get it checked out.
I had nothing to compare my appointment with, so when, after my initial mammogram I was asked to move to another room, I really thought nothing of it.
Within about 2 minutes there were 4 other people in the room, I was lying down, and having a biopsy. I will never forget laying in that dark room, trying to keep myself together.
I kept thinking when I got to the safety of my car I could loose it. I just needed to get to the car.
Once there I sat, stunned, sobbing, not knowing what to do or who to call.
A year later, one thing has definitely changed.
I would know exactly who to call...
At the ripe old age of 40, I felt a lump, and figured I better get it checked out.
I had nothing to compare my appointment with, so when, after my initial mammogram I was asked to move to another room, I really thought nothing of it.
Within about 2 minutes there were 4 other people in the room, I was lying down, and having a biopsy. I will never forget laying in that dark room, trying to keep myself together.
I kept thinking when I got to the safety of my car I could loose it. I just needed to get to the car.
Once there I sat, stunned, sobbing, not knowing what to do or who to call.
A year later, one thing has definitely changed.
I would know exactly who to call...
Monday, April 23, 2012
Day 359 - Milestones
This weekend Doug and I will be in Las Vegas to celebrate two pretty big milestones.
The first one is obvious. Our year with cancer. While we have been told we made it look easy I can assure you it was not. It has changed everything in our lives.
Some things for the better.
But I would go back, and live the last year all over again, only minus the whole cancer thing. I am not one to wish to have any episode of my life back to do over, but i would take the last year back.
It did teach us a few things. Like take a vacation! On that note we will celebrate a friends 50th while we are in Vegas.
And I will remind him, like I have said before.
It is a privilege to get old.
The first one is obvious. Our year with cancer. While we have been told we made it look easy I can assure you it was not. It has changed everything in our lives.
Some things for the better.
But I would go back, and live the last year all over again, only minus the whole cancer thing. I am not one to wish to have any episode of my life back to do over, but i would take the last year back.
It did teach us a few things. Like take a vacation! On that note we will celebrate a friends 50th while we are in Vegas.
And I will remind him, like I have said before.
It is a privilege to get old.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Day 355- Dixie Chicken
I love music.
As a gloomy teenager I would pour over the liner notes that accompanied my records. I was always a little bummed when lyrics were not included.
If that was the case I would spend hours listening to songs, and writing down what I thought were the lyrics.
One of my friends and I would play name that tune while listening to KROQ. She was better than I was 90 percent of the time. Within the first few seconds of a song one of us would belt out the first verse and a winner would be declared.
Today,as I was driving home The Thompson Twins came on the radio. I had not thought of this band since I was a gloomy teenager.
In fact it was the fist concert I ever attended. (I think either my mom or Kristy dropped us off...Irvine Meadows!)
That song took me back to being a 13 year old, super awkward (and tall) girl.
But it also reminded me of some really great times.
And of some really great friends.
As a gloomy teenager I would pour over the liner notes that accompanied my records. I was always a little bummed when lyrics were not included.
If that was the case I would spend hours listening to songs, and writing down what I thought were the lyrics.
One of my friends and I would play name that tune while listening to KROQ. She was better than I was 90 percent of the time. Within the first few seconds of a song one of us would belt out the first verse and a winner would be declared.
Today,as I was driving home The Thompson Twins came on the radio. I had not thought of this band since I was a gloomy teenager.
In fact it was the fist concert I ever attended. (I think either my mom or Kristy dropped us off...Irvine Meadows!)
That song took me back to being a 13 year old, super awkward (and tall) girl.
But it also reminded me of some really great times.
And of some really great friends.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Day 354 - HOME
Heading home tonight - to tucking in children, cups of tea, and my own bed.
Have I mentioned lately that I feel each day a fog seeping off of my brain? Layer by layer I feel like I am getting my thoughts back.
I am also realizing that I was pretty out of it for a while. Chemo brain sounds funny - but can be rather embarrassing.
Like the day I went to the gym, and when I came back to where I thought my car was parked, I stopped 5 feet away from a Volvo SUV and thought, "that looks like my car, but my car is not silver, this one is." And I spent the next 15 minutes looking for my car, on several levels of a parking structure only to think, "Maybe that was my car. Maybe my car IS silver".
And in fact it was.
Or should I say is.
As each month moves into the next I fall into a panic wondering who's birthday I may have forgotten. So far I think I am doing OK on this front (if not - I am so sorry!).
I can't believe I am 11 days away from this being a year of my life.
And the fog is finally beginning to lift.
Have I mentioned lately that I feel each day a fog seeping off of my brain? Layer by layer I feel like I am getting my thoughts back.
I am also realizing that I was pretty out of it for a while. Chemo brain sounds funny - but can be rather embarrassing.
Like the day I went to the gym, and when I came back to where I thought my car was parked, I stopped 5 feet away from a Volvo SUV and thought, "that looks like my car, but my car is not silver, this one is." And I spent the next 15 minutes looking for my car, on several levels of a parking structure only to think, "Maybe that was my car. Maybe my car IS silver".
And in fact it was.
Or should I say is.
As each month moves into the next I fall into a panic wondering who's birthday I may have forgotten. So far I think I am doing OK on this front (if not - I am so sorry!).
I can't believe I am 11 days away from this being a year of my life.
And the fog is finally beginning to lift.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Day 352 - the wizard of oz
I am sleeping by myself in a hotel far from home tonight.
You would think that as the mother of 3 I would be excited to have a night to my own.
But, to be honest, it is super boring.
Plus I had a total mediocre dinner.
There is nothing on TV.
I finished my book.
And I miss my little tribe.
Right about now everyone is probaly in their jammies, teeth are being brushed, toes are being tucked in.
My favorite part of my day is when the last door is shut, the last kiss given, lights are out, and Doug and I just sit together and share a cup of tea.
Tonight it is just going to be me, bad TV and scratchy sheets.
There is no place like home.
You would think that as the mother of 3 I would be excited to have a night to my own.
But, to be honest, it is super boring.
Plus I had a total mediocre dinner.
There is nothing on TV.
I finished my book.
And I miss my little tribe.
Right about now everyone is probaly in their jammies, teeth are being brushed, toes are being tucked in.
My favorite part of my day is when the last door is shut, the last kiss given, lights are out, and Doug and I just sit together and share a cup of tea.
Tonight it is just going to be me, bad TV and scratchy sheets.
There is no place like home.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Day 350 - Mama Turrets
My children, all three of them, begin each of their sentences with "mama".
Some days this is funny.
Some days this is exhausting.
Today it was both.
Doug just laughs when they all get going. I ask them all the time to try and say Dada. I offered each of them 100 dollars if they could avoid saying "mama" for an entire day (Graham lasted the longest, about 30 minutes).
Harris has it the worst, it is like he has "mama", turrets.
The crescendo In the car can almost drive me mad.
Last night, as we were stopped at a light, and everyone (including Doug actually), was trying to get my attention, I looked to the car next to me and saw a woman and her teenaged son.
He had on huge headphones, and was wearing a look of utter disdain for the world.
And I wondered, "did he ever have mama turrets, and does she miss it?"
Some days this is funny.
Some days this is exhausting.
Today it was both.
Doug just laughs when they all get going. I ask them all the time to try and say Dada. I offered each of them 100 dollars if they could avoid saying "mama" for an entire day (Graham lasted the longest, about 30 minutes).
Harris has it the worst, it is like he has "mama", turrets.
The crescendo In the car can almost drive me mad.
Last night, as we were stopped at a light, and everyone (including Doug actually), was trying to get my attention, I looked to the car next to me and saw a woman and her teenaged son.
He had on huge headphones, and was wearing a look of utter disdain for the world.
And I wondered, "did he ever have mama turrets, and does she miss it?"
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Day 348 - if I would only listen
Doug jumps on all sorts of crazy natural cures years before anyone else.
I usually begrudgingly try his "methods" after weeks of prodding, begging, and constant badgering.
For the last 2 months he has been taking shots of Apple Cider Vinegar just for kicks. Every time he takes a shot he winces, growls, and shivers. And each time he tries to get me to take a shot.
Um no thanks!
I am a little grouchy lately, thanks to being woken up several times during the night with hot flashes. It has literally been months since I had a good nights sleep. Today, after loosing my cool with the kids, I decided to google, "hot flash remedies".
The first thing to pop up?
2 Tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar .
Twice a day.
I usually begrudgingly try his "methods" after weeks of prodding, begging, and constant badgering.
For the last 2 months he has been taking shots of Apple Cider Vinegar just for kicks. Every time he takes a shot he winces, growls, and shivers. And each time he tries to get me to take a shot.
Um no thanks!
I am a little grouchy lately, thanks to being woken up several times during the night with hot flashes. It has literally been months since I had a good nights sleep. Today, after loosing my cool with the kids, I decided to google, "hot flash remedies".
The first thing to pop up?
2 Tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar .
Twice a day.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Day 347- hangover
One of the nagging realities of life past cancer is that you always sort of wonder if it is going to show up again.
Most days I simply push the thought to the back of my mind and move on.
Other days, like today when I had a blistering headache, the thought that it may be back will sweep through my brain.
But one thing is for sure, I still think about stupid cancer...
Every.
Single.
Day.
I know it is a waste of time spending even one second thinking about it.
Someday, very soon, I will be done with it all.
Just maybe not today
Most days I simply push the thought to the back of my mind and move on.
Other days, like today when I had a blistering headache, the thought that it may be back will sweep through my brain.
But one thing is for sure, I still think about stupid cancer...
Every.
Single.
Day.
I know it is a waste of time spending even one second thinking about it.
Someday, very soon, I will be done with it all.
Just maybe not today
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Day 346 - To quote
"But don't worry," the alchemist continued. "Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives."
Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist
Don't wait...we are all going to die someday.
Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist
Don't wait...we are all going to die someday.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Day 345 - Echo
Had my 3rd or maybe 4th Echo cardiogram today.
I have finally, sort of, reached acceptance when it comes to all these Dr.'s appointments I have to go to.
As I stood checking in at the hospital I wasn't mad that I was there, I wasn't mad at cancer for putting me through all this nonsense, I let all that go.
This is not to say that I enjoyed the procedure. It is pretty boring actually - imagine an hour long ultrasound on your chest, and that pretty much sums it up.
I am pretty sure my heart is ok - it feels good - it feels full - it feels powerful.
I have finally, sort of, reached acceptance when it comes to all these Dr.'s appointments I have to go to.
As I stood checking in at the hospital I wasn't mad that I was there, I wasn't mad at cancer for putting me through all this nonsense, I let all that go.
This is not to say that I enjoyed the procedure. It is pretty boring actually - imagine an hour long ultrasound on your chest, and that pretty much sums it up.
I am pretty sure my heart is ok - it feels good - it feels full - it feels powerful.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day 344 - Play Ball!
Easter is my least favorite holiday. Sorry for those of you who love peeps, chocolate bunnies, hiding eggs, endless brunches, and honey baked ham.
Part of the problem with Easter is that it always happens to land on a Sunday.
Go figure. :)
Sunday is the worst possible day for a holiday in my opinion.
I like a little more relaxation in my Sunday than Easter can provide.
This Easter Doug and I thought it was really great that we slept in. The children had somehow entertained themselves with their Easter Baskets...
By eating most of their candy.
Within a few hours Harris was speaking in tongues, Harper had a tummy ache, and Graham was running around like "Kevin" in Home Alone.
After the sugar crash, we were able to right the Eikenberry ship with a trip to the park and Graham's first baseball practice.
I had to admit my jealousy as he laced up his new cleats, grabbed his mitt, and met his new teammates. I love everything about baseball (and softball), except the fact that I am no longer the one who gets to play.
So maybe there is something I like about Easter.
It means it's time for baseball season.
Part of the problem with Easter is that it always happens to land on a Sunday.
Go figure. :)
Sunday is the worst possible day for a holiday in my opinion.
I like a little more relaxation in my Sunday than Easter can provide.
This Easter Doug and I thought it was really great that we slept in. The children had somehow entertained themselves with their Easter Baskets...
By eating most of their candy.
Within a few hours Harris was speaking in tongues, Harper had a tummy ache, and Graham was running around like "Kevin" in Home Alone.
After the sugar crash, we were able to right the Eikenberry ship with a trip to the park and Graham's first baseball practice.
I had to admit my jealousy as he laced up his new cleats, grabbed his mitt, and met his new teammates. I love everything about baseball (and softball), except the fact that I am no longer the one who gets to play.
So maybe there is something I like about Easter.
It means it's time for baseball season.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Day 341 - I am Mad
For Mad Men.
I have never been obsessed with a TV show - but from the very beginning I have loved Mad Men.
Doug and I watch it together, usually on Monday, since staying up past 10pm on any night is difficult for us.
Last night we got caught up on Sunday nights episode, and for a while there it was feeling really close to home.
First off, Don has a new secretary, named Dawn. Everyone one in the office found this infinitely hilarious. Having grown up in a house with a father named Don, I can assure you the joke gets really old.
Fast.
Next up, Betty, Don's ex-wife, has a tumor removed from her thyroid, and has to wait a handful of days to learn if it is cancer or not.
There is a sweet scene where she sits in her yard, with her youngest son in her lap, as her two older children run around with sparklers. You can see that she is taking it all in, enjoying the sweetness of it all.
It felt like a scene from my own life. A moment in time that you would want to live over and over if you could.
Happily for Betty the tumor is benign.
I was relieved, the last thing I want is my favorite show to be tarnished with stupid cancer.
The name thing was tough enough.
I have never been obsessed with a TV show - but from the very beginning I have loved Mad Men.
Doug and I watch it together, usually on Monday, since staying up past 10pm on any night is difficult for us.
Last night we got caught up on Sunday nights episode, and for a while there it was feeling really close to home.
First off, Don has a new secretary, named Dawn. Everyone one in the office found this infinitely hilarious. Having grown up in a house with a father named Don, I can assure you the joke gets really old.
Fast.
Next up, Betty, Don's ex-wife, has a tumor removed from her thyroid, and has to wait a handful of days to learn if it is cancer or not.
There is a sweet scene where she sits in her yard, with her youngest son in her lap, as her two older children run around with sparklers. You can see that she is taking it all in, enjoying the sweetness of it all.
It felt like a scene from my own life. A moment in time that you would want to live over and over if you could.
Happily for Betty the tumor is benign.
I was relieved, the last thing I want is my favorite show to be tarnished with stupid cancer.
The name thing was tough enough.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Day 340 - A fog has lifted
I wrote about how a few days ago I woke up and felt that this whole cancer business was behind me.
Today, after work, I went to the gym, determined to really work out. To push myself, and see what I could do.
40 minutes later I was red faced, and dripping sweat. Real, hard earned sweat.
And it felt so good.
As I lay stretching, I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Of wanting the whole gym to appreciate me being there, to understand what I have been through, pat me on my back, and send me on my way.
And then I thought, get over yourself.
You are alive.
You are capable of anything.
And the only person who needs to appreciate what you have been through is you.
Heal and Deal.
d
Today, after work, I went to the gym, determined to really work out. To push myself, and see what I could do.
40 minutes later I was red faced, and dripping sweat. Real, hard earned sweat.
And it felt so good.
As I lay stretching, I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Of wanting the whole gym to appreciate me being there, to understand what I have been through, pat me on my back, and send me on my way.
And then I thought, get over yourself.
You are alive.
You are capable of anything.
And the only person who needs to appreciate what you have been through is you.
Heal and Deal.
d
Monday, April 2, 2012
Day 338- the end
We head home from our vacation in the morning, and I am feeling connected to my life and my family once again.
Yesterday was the funeral for my friend "S". I really wanted to be there, but as I explained to a mutual friend "S" would understand that I needed to continue to focus on healing with my family.
I thought about her all day, as I swam, and swam, and swam with the kids. As I dove to the bottom of the pool with Graham, as I had underwater tea parties with Harper, as I tossed Harris from my shoulders. I thought of her children, and how they would likely give everything they had to have one more day like that with their mom.
So I honored "S" by loving my children, by burning the memory of today deep inside my brain. They may not remember the details of the day, but they will remember how they felt. How much their mother loves them.
I also woke up yesterday feeling, for the first time since she died, that our fates were not intertwined, that cancer was going to stay in the rearview mirror for me.
And as much as I am not ok with it, with her dying at 42 with two young children, I have to be ok with what my life will continue to become. With the chance I get to grow old(er).
It is a privilege, my life, every bit of it, and I will forever be grateful to have known my friend, "S".
Yesterday was the funeral for my friend "S". I really wanted to be there, but as I explained to a mutual friend "S" would understand that I needed to continue to focus on healing with my family.
I thought about her all day, as I swam, and swam, and swam with the kids. As I dove to the bottom of the pool with Graham, as I had underwater tea parties with Harper, as I tossed Harris from my shoulders. I thought of her children, and how they would likely give everything they had to have one more day like that with their mom.
So I honored "S" by loving my children, by burning the memory of today deep inside my brain. They may not remember the details of the day, but they will remember how they felt. How much their mother loves them.
I also woke up yesterday feeling, for the first time since she died, that our fates were not intertwined, that cancer was going to stay in the rearview mirror for me.
And as much as I am not ok with it, with her dying at 42 with two young children, I have to be ok with what my life will continue to become. With the chance I get to grow old(er).
It is a privilege, my life, every bit of it, and I will forever be grateful to have known my friend, "S".
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