Today, for some reason, I fulfilled my civic duty.
Trust me I tried to get out of it - deferred it several times, but finally I gave in.
To Jury Duty.
I have been here before - once when I was living in Brooklyn. And if you want to see a cross section of the people who live in your city, come on down to the courthouse any day of the week.
I was called in for a trail at about 10am. Forty of us were escorted into a court room, seated, then presented with an overview of the case. (domestic violence).
The lawyers proceed to ask each of us the same 10 questions. The last of which was, "Will serving on this Jury cause you hardship".
I sat in my seat and debated that question.
The trial was estimated to last several days. Maybe even a week or so.
I am sure a lot of the people in the room were searching for a hardship.
And I figured I had a pretty good one.
So when asked I simply said, "I am undergoing treatment for cancer."
(Not a lie - but stretching the truth a bit - I am sure a good lawyer would get me off).
You could feel the energy in the room shift, a few knowing nods, that sort of thing.
The judge was non-pulsed. She just smiled and said, "OK".
Twenty minutes later I had learned the occupations, neighborhoods, marital status, and even the political views of 40 perfect strangers.
The defense attorney asked each of us to name our two favorite television shows.
I was the only one who said, Mad Men, and Downton Abby.
One guy said, "John Stewart + Rachel Maddow", and the guy next to him followed up with, "I only watch Fox News."
In the end I was not chosen to sit on the Jury.
It seems like I played my cancer card at just the right time.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Day 405 - get it
I grew up in a very different California than the one you can visit today.
Huntington Beach was a quiet, sleepy, beach town. I can still remember when a skyscraper was built on Beach Blvd. (actually I think it was a 5 story office building), the strawberry fields, and miles of undeveloped land.
The first house I lived in was on Honolulu Lane.
My friends all had sunny, happy, California names, piles of siblings, and the embarrassment of riches that is California beach weather.
As a teenager we would drive up and down PCH looking for nothing more than the next good song on KROQ, and dessert at Harbor House.
During the summer we would hang out at the beach - all day, eating strips and cheese, hugging our boogie boards, never putting on sunscreen.
When it came time to choose where I went to college, for some reason I wanted a complete change of pace. So sick of the Southern California sunshine, that when I visited the University of Oregon campus one rainy weekend I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Every May, when the rest of the country is celebrating the start of summer, I long for the warm sunny nights of my childhood, the Pacific, and sand under my toes.
But eventually June arrives. Then July. Then August.
And I realize.
I am right where I belong.
Huntington Beach was a quiet, sleepy, beach town. I can still remember when a skyscraper was built on Beach Blvd. (actually I think it was a 5 story office building), the strawberry fields, and miles of undeveloped land.
The first house I lived in was on Honolulu Lane.
My friends all had sunny, happy, California names, piles of siblings, and the embarrassment of riches that is California beach weather.
As a teenager we would drive up and down PCH looking for nothing more than the next good song on KROQ, and dessert at Harbor House.
During the summer we would hang out at the beach - all day, eating strips and cheese, hugging our boogie boards, never putting on sunscreen.
When it came time to choose where I went to college, for some reason I wanted a complete change of pace. So sick of the Southern California sunshine, that when I visited the University of Oregon campus one rainy weekend I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Every May, when the rest of the country is celebrating the start of summer, I long for the warm sunny nights of my childhood, the Pacific, and sand under my toes.
But eventually June arrives. Then July. Then August.
And I realize.
I am right where I belong.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Day 402 - NY
Last week I needed to locate a new store location on a map. The store happens to be in New York, so while I was at it, I decided to take a look at our old apartment in Brooklyn.
Thanks to Google Maps you simply type in your address, 39 Remsen, and there you are, looking at a place you lived over a decade ago. If you feel like it you can literally take a virtual walk down memory lane.
I loved living in Brooklyn, and I am so glad Doug and I had a chance to experience the first years of our marriage and careers there.
The last 3 years we would ride the same subway together in the morning. I was lucky to have the shorter commute and would kiss Doug goodbye as the N train took him further uptown.
It really was a pretty simple time. When our work day was finished we would coordinate our ride home. Doug would sit in the last car of the subway, and I would wait on the platform until he popped up.
On the ride home we would trade newspapers and read as we traveled under the river then back up into Brooklyn.
Our lives are so much different now.
I have loved each and every phase.
I wonder what's next.
Thanks to Google Maps you simply type in your address, 39 Remsen, and there you are, looking at a place you lived over a decade ago. If you feel like it you can literally take a virtual walk down memory lane.
I loved living in Brooklyn, and I am so glad Doug and I had a chance to experience the first years of our marriage and careers there.
The last 3 years we would ride the same subway together in the morning. I was lucky to have the shorter commute and would kiss Doug goodbye as the N train took him further uptown.
It really was a pretty simple time. When our work day was finished we would coordinate our ride home. Doug would sit in the last car of the subway, and I would wait on the platform until he popped up.
On the ride home we would trade newspapers and read as we traveled under the river then back up into Brooklyn.
Our lives are so much different now.
I have loved each and every phase.
I wonder what's next.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Day 388 - Who's there?
I am neither a religious or spiritual person, but sometimes things happen that make me stop dead in my tracks.
The morning after my father died, a group of family and friends were sitting in our family kitchen. I was pouring a cup of coffee in one of my father's favorite glass mugs.
I turned to my mom and said, "these remind me of dad".
To which she replied, "take some home, I always hated those mugs."
(yes I do take after my mother, yes if god forbid something were to happen to Doug I would let you take some of his stuff, and yes, I would probably let you do it the day after he died too).
Anyway.
I turned to our friends and family, held up my mug of coffee and said, "hey everyone, take home one of my dad's favorite coffee mugs, my dad loved them, but my mom hated them."
The second I finished my sentence, the cup shattered.
And no one took any home.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Day 387 - The curls get the girls
My hair is so curly and out of control right now I have finally made an appointment to do something about it.
I typically head to the hairdresser when I am fed up with what is happening on my head.
And I am really fed up.
Yesterday I took a shower, then a nap. Doug sat watching a basketball game running his fingers through my hair. (this may sound romantic, it was not, I think he was trying to see how big he could make my hair.)
Later in the afternoon I ran some neighborhood errands, stoping to talk with several neighbors, small children, and a shop keeper or two.
When I got home I caught my reflection in the mirror.
And then I laughed so hard, staring at myself, that tears rolled down my cheeks.
I looked ridiculous.
But I felt great.
I typically head to the hairdresser when I am fed up with what is happening on my head.
And I am really fed up.
Yesterday I took a shower, then a nap. Doug sat watching a basketball game running his fingers through my hair. (this may sound romantic, it was not, I think he was trying to see how big he could make my hair.)
Later in the afternoon I ran some neighborhood errands, stoping to talk with several neighbors, small children, and a shop keeper or two.
When I got home I caught my reflection in the mirror.
And then I laughed so hard, staring at myself, that tears rolled down my cheeks.
I looked ridiculous.
But I felt great.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Day 385 - whew
It was a long tough week.
I have been feeling run down, and on top of it work was, well, busy. The work I do finds me in the middle of multiple interests. Sometimes I consider myself a diplomat, other times a herder of cats.
About once a week I do or say something that makes me think, "I really do know what I am doing".
The rest of the time I am not so sure.
With all of this rattling in my head, Doug and I went to a University of Oregon fundraiser last night.
What I really wanted to do was curl up into bed. Instead I sprinted home, got dressed up, and headed out the door for cocktail hour and speeches.
I was so tired that I tried to convince Doug that we should leave early. He really wanted to stay, and for the first time in a year, I felt like I could do something for him.
We stayed.
And I am glad we did.
The last speaker summed up my week perfectly when she said "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
I have been feeling run down, and on top of it work was, well, busy. The work I do finds me in the middle of multiple interests. Sometimes I consider myself a diplomat, other times a herder of cats.
About once a week I do or say something that makes me think, "I really do know what I am doing".
The rest of the time I am not so sure.
With all of this rattling in my head, Doug and I went to a University of Oregon fundraiser last night.
What I really wanted to do was curl up into bed. Instead I sprinted home, got dressed up, and headed out the door for cocktail hour and speeches.
I was so tired that I tried to convince Doug that we should leave early. He really wanted to stay, and for the first time in a year, I felt like I could do something for him.
We stayed.
And I am glad we did.
The last speaker summed up my week perfectly when she said "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want."
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 381 - The Ha's
Tonight Harper and Harris were playing an elaborate game with lego guys, My Little ponies Starlight and Applejack, and a few calico critters.
It seemed that this menagerie was very concerned with the health of one of the lego guys (Luke Skywalker). Rumor had it that he had come down with a bad case of...
Pokemon Cancer.
Apparently the cure for this tragic diagnosis was to sleep in a barn, on a playmobile bed, while Starlight and Applejack hovered over him.
Harris was genuinely upset when I told him it was time to go to bed. Through tears he let me know that another crucial part of the lego guy's cure was his continued presence in his sisters room.
This was just not going to happen. We were going to have to say goodnight to the lego guy, and trust that the ponies and calico critters would make sure he was comfortable.
Harris kissed each of them goodnight, saving his last kiss for me.
He said, "Mama, in the morning, all the cancer will be gone."
It seemed that this menagerie was very concerned with the health of one of the lego guys (Luke Skywalker). Rumor had it that he had come down with a bad case of...
Pokemon Cancer.
Apparently the cure for this tragic diagnosis was to sleep in a barn, on a playmobile bed, while Starlight and Applejack hovered over him.
Harris was genuinely upset when I told him it was time to go to bed. Through tears he let me know that another crucial part of the lego guy's cure was his continued presence in his sisters room.
This was just not going to happen. We were going to have to say goodnight to the lego guy, and trust that the ponies and calico critters would make sure he was comfortable.
Harris kissed each of them goodnight, saving his last kiss for me.
He said, "Mama, in the morning, all the cancer will be gone."
Monday, May 14, 2012
Day 380 - 2 more
On Friday I had my Herceptin infusion. I really like the nurse practitioner who has been handling my case for the last year.
She is the perfect blend of bedside manner, science smarts, and honesty.
When she entered the room she expressed true happiness that I was her last patient of the week. She also had fun news to tell me.
I only have 2 more Herceptin infusions. Then my active cancer treatment is:
O-V-E-R...over.
I have a call in to my surgeon to have my port removed. Once that is done, I will let you all know where to meet me for a Bossier Than Cancer party.
Healing and Dealing.
d
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Day 379 - Moms
I don't think you can ever truly appreciate your mother until you become one yourself.
Years ago my mom met me for breakfast when I was down in Los Angeles for work. As she was leaving she had a chance to meet a few of my co-workers.
When my mom left one co-worker said, " your mother will always love you more than you love her."
At the time I didn't have children, and was sort of taken aback, thinking, "of coarse I love my mom as much as she loves me."
Now that I have children of my own I know this to be impossible. I will always love them more than they love me, or at least until they have children of their own.
Every day I try to be the type of mother mine is. No nonsense, fair, fun. When I come home exhausted from a day of office work, I often wonder how my mom, a school teacher, did it all.
She was in charge of dinner, getting us to practice, getting homework done, driving us to games. She always made sure our uniforms were clean, that we had cleats, gloves, socks.
I don't remember her ever missing a game. I remember that she simply signed me up, paid the fee, and sat back and watched as I developed into a great athlete.
Not once did she pull a coach aside, tell me to work harder, or do anything other than support me for 17 years of non stop athletics.
At the ripe old age of 20, when I brought home a perfect stranger and told her we were getting married, she didn't flinch. In fact the only other time I saw a happier reaction was when we told her we were pregnant for the first time.
My mom has always been the glue that holds our family together.
She was the center of our universe growing up.
She held us together when we lost our father, and she lost the love of her life.
She held me and my little tribe together, through head shaving, chemo, and surgery.
And while some may think I could never love my mom as much as she loves me.
I am not so sure.
Years ago my mom met me for breakfast when I was down in Los Angeles for work. As she was leaving she had a chance to meet a few of my co-workers.
When my mom left one co-worker said, " your mother will always love you more than you love her."
At the time I didn't have children, and was sort of taken aback, thinking, "of coarse I love my mom as much as she loves me."
Now that I have children of my own I know this to be impossible. I will always love them more than they love me, or at least until they have children of their own.
Every day I try to be the type of mother mine is. No nonsense, fair, fun. When I come home exhausted from a day of office work, I often wonder how my mom, a school teacher, did it all.
She was in charge of dinner, getting us to practice, getting homework done, driving us to games. She always made sure our uniforms were clean, that we had cleats, gloves, socks.
I don't remember her ever missing a game. I remember that she simply signed me up, paid the fee, and sat back and watched as I developed into a great athlete.
Not once did she pull a coach aside, tell me to work harder, or do anything other than support me for 17 years of non stop athletics.
At the ripe old age of 20, when I brought home a perfect stranger and told her we were getting married, she didn't flinch. In fact the only other time I saw a happier reaction was when we told her we were pregnant for the first time.
My mom has always been the glue that holds our family together.
She was the center of our universe growing up.
She held us together when we lost our father, and she lost the love of her life.
She held me and my little tribe together, through head shaving, chemo, and surgery.
And while some may think I could never love my mom as much as she loves me.
I am not so sure.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Day 376- ring pops
Tonight Doug and Graham had a little alone time so I decided to take a walk with the Ha's (Harper and Harris).
Since I was wearing flip flops, they both insisted on wearing their flip flops. (Note to anyone wanting to take a long walk with two children, flip flops are not a good idea. I think Harper's fell off about every 10th step).
I love our neighborhood, partly because it is a short walk to get a really good slice of pizza, even with two little anchors dragging me down.
After pizza I promised the kids ice cream. As we were tripping down the street a candy store caught their eye. Harper was excited to get a ring pop, and Harris, who never likes to be left out, followed suit.
I am not sure if I have ever seen either one happier.
My only regret?
I should have grabbed a ring pop too. *********************************************************************************** Day 8 - Today I came home from work and took a long walk, ate well, and hopefully tonight I will get a good nights sleep!
Since I was wearing flip flops, they both insisted on wearing their flip flops. (Note to anyone wanting to take a long walk with two children, flip flops are not a good idea. I think Harper's fell off about every 10th step).
I love our neighborhood, partly because it is a short walk to get a really good slice of pizza, even with two little anchors dragging me down.
After pizza I promised the kids ice cream. As we were tripping down the street a candy store caught their eye. Harper was excited to get a ring pop, and Harris, who never likes to be left out, followed suit.
I am not sure if I have ever seen either one happier.
My only regret?
I should have grabbed a ring pop too. *********************************************************************************** Day 8 - Today I came home from work and took a long walk, ate well, and hopefully tonight I will get a good nights sleep!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Day-375 Iris
The day that I was told I had cancer, Doug and I gook a long walk up to Forest Park.
Together we devised a plan that would focus on my wellness.
A part of this plan was seeing a massage therapist once a week.
I vividly remember the first day I drove to her office, sitting at a stop light I noticed a beautiful bunch of Iris' growing out of a cracked patch of asphalt.
For a few weeks they bloomed, and once they were gone, that patch of asphalt went into hibernation, blending right back into the surrounding landscape.
I missed them.
It was nice to see something so beautiful thriving in such a hostile environment. It reminded me of how something great can bloom even in the ugliest environments.
Today, as I was stopped at that same light I was happy to see.
The Iris' were back.
***********************************************************************************
Day 7 - Remember, we are taking care of ourselves - even if all you get is 10 minutes of meditation, or a glass of wine in a quiet room.
I had a good "me" day - got in a couple of nice long walks - and finished off with a long massage.
Together we devised a plan that would focus on my wellness.
A part of this plan was seeing a massage therapist once a week.
I vividly remember the first day I drove to her office, sitting at a stop light I noticed a beautiful bunch of Iris' growing out of a cracked patch of asphalt.
For a few weeks they bloomed, and once they were gone, that patch of asphalt went into hibernation, blending right back into the surrounding landscape.
I missed them.
It was nice to see something so beautiful thriving in such a hostile environment. It reminded me of how something great can bloom even in the ugliest environments.
Today, as I was stopped at that same light I was happy to see.
The Iris' were back.
***********************************************************************************
Day 7 - Remember, we are taking care of ourselves - even if all you get is 10 minutes of meditation, or a glass of wine in a quiet room.
I had a good "me" day - got in a couple of nice long walks - and finished off with a long massage.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Day 374 - Heartless
We have a drawer in the house where the weekly deluge of children's work lives. I try to go through it once a week, saving the sweetest drawings, notes, and art projects.
Most of the time I only keep one or two things, and recycle the rest. This has to be done under the cover of night, for if anyone in the house sees their work in the recycling bin, I have some explaining to do.
Doug can not even stand to be in the house when I undertake this simple project. If it were up to him every single little paper would be saved. Tonight as I was going through a pile, I asked him if he would take the cast offs down to the garage for me to which he replied, "I can not be a part of this! I can't believe you are throwing any of it away!"
And he is serious.
This is the man who still has the napkin that I wrote my phone number on the night we met.
Along with the movie ticket from our first date, every card I ever gave him, every extension cord he has ever owned, every old cell phone, Palm Pilot, and their chargers, a dozen hammers, shoes he wore in high school...
The other day he asked if I wanted to start collecting something and I looked at him as if he had lost his mind.
Then I said, "Jewelry".
************************************************************************************
How is everyone doing on their do something healthy goals? Here is what I did
Day 3: 5 mile hike on the beach
Day 4: 2 mile walk, push-ups, sit ups
Day 5: lunges, push-ups, sit-ups
Day 6: 2 mile walk
See - it doesn't have to be anything too crazy - I was about to go to bed on Day 5 when I realized I had not done anything healthy - trust me it wasn't much, but I still felt good about it.
Most of the time I only keep one or two things, and recycle the rest. This has to be done under the cover of night, for if anyone in the house sees their work in the recycling bin, I have some explaining to do.
Doug can not even stand to be in the house when I undertake this simple project. If it were up to him every single little paper would be saved. Tonight as I was going through a pile, I asked him if he would take the cast offs down to the garage for me to which he replied, "I can not be a part of this! I can't believe you are throwing any of it away!"
And he is serious.
This is the man who still has the napkin that I wrote my phone number on the night we met.
Along with the movie ticket from our first date, every card I ever gave him, every extension cord he has ever owned, every old cell phone, Palm Pilot, and their chargers, a dozen hammers, shoes he wore in high school...
The other day he asked if I wanted to start collecting something and I looked at him as if he had lost his mind.
Then I said, "Jewelry".
************************************************************************************
How is everyone doing on their do something healthy goals? Here is what I did
Day 3: 5 mile hike on the beach
Day 4: 2 mile walk, push-ups, sit ups
Day 5: lunges, push-ups, sit-ups
Day 6: 2 mile walk
See - it doesn't have to be anything too crazy - I was about to go to bed on Day 5 when I realized I had not done anything healthy - trust me it wasn't much, but I still felt good about it.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Day 370 - Mom's gone wild
I had a horrible anxiety dream all night long.
This weekend is a long planned, long awaited, weekend away with some friends I have made through the Eikenkids over the years. Four women who helped with the kids, with meals, with moral support over the last year.
In my dream I was meeting up with them in the early morning for our drive down to the coast.
As I was jumping into the car I notice that I have a text from my nanny, saying she is sick and will not be able to watch the kids today.
I decide to ignore the blinking message (sorry Doug!) and jump in the car. After a few minutes I realize I have forgotten my computer, and have to jump out and back into my building in order to try and sneak into the house to retrieve it.
Up the elevator I go (with Benicio del Torro!), only to get stuck, then to realize I don't really need my computer, I just need to send an email from my phone.
Once the elevator starts up again, I hop out into the early morning darkness of my childhood neighborhood, looking for my friends.
We keep just missing each other, like in some tiresome Romantic Comedy, or the movie Serendipity.
When I finally woke up I realized how much I had been looking forward to this weekend.
***********************************************************************************
Day 2: How are you doing on your one healthy thing a day? Yesterday for me it was a long walk, a lot of water, and no candy. (see - I am even counting the small things)
This weekend is a long planned, long awaited, weekend away with some friends I have made through the Eikenkids over the years. Four women who helped with the kids, with meals, with moral support over the last year.
In my dream I was meeting up with them in the early morning for our drive down to the coast.
As I was jumping into the car I notice that I have a text from my nanny, saying she is sick and will not be able to watch the kids today.
I decide to ignore the blinking message (sorry Doug!) and jump in the car. After a few minutes I realize I have forgotten my computer, and have to jump out and back into my building in order to try and sneak into the house to retrieve it.
Up the elevator I go (with Benicio del Torro!), only to get stuck, then to realize I don't really need my computer, I just need to send an email from my phone.
Once the elevator starts up again, I hop out into the early morning darkness of my childhood neighborhood, looking for my friends.
We keep just missing each other, like in some tiresome Romantic Comedy, or the movie Serendipity.
When I finally woke up I realized how much I had been looking forward to this weekend.
***********************************************************************************
Day 2: How are you doing on your one healthy thing a day? Yesterday for me it was a long walk, a lot of water, and no candy. (see - I am even counting the small things)
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Day 368- let's get physical
One of the things that I promised myself during the last year was once I was feeling better I would get back in shape.
Originally I thought that after radiation I would jump right into training for a half marathon. What I quickly realized was that my body had not fully healed from my surgeries.
Running was going to have to wait.
The last few days I have been feeling the best I have in over a year.
Today I had a check up with my radiologist which consisted of him pinching all parts of my body, me giggling, and him not. Then sending me on my way, with my next appointment in September.
So, with an hour to spare, I decided to head to the gym.
And I am making a promise that everyday, for the next 365, I am going to stop and do something healthy for myself. Somedays this may be a long hike, other days I may only be able to fit in a few push-ups.
My feeling is, if for the last 365 days I was able to make time for a myriad of Dr.'s appointments, treatments, etc, I need to now make time for much more enjoyable and healthy pursuits.
I am hoping some of you will join me.
I am hoping this inspires you to be healthy, and take better care of ourselves.
Originally I thought that after radiation I would jump right into training for a half marathon. What I quickly realized was that my body had not fully healed from my surgeries.
Running was going to have to wait.
The last few days I have been feeling the best I have in over a year.
Today I had a check up with my radiologist which consisted of him pinching all parts of my body, me giggling, and him not. Then sending me on my way, with my next appointment in September.
So, with an hour to spare, I decided to head to the gym.
And I am making a promise that everyday, for the next 365, I am going to stop and do something healthy for myself. Somedays this may be a long hike, other days I may only be able to fit in a few push-ups.
My feeling is, if for the last 365 days I was able to make time for a myriad of Dr.'s appointments, treatments, etc, I need to now make time for much more enjoyable and healthy pursuits.
I am hoping some of you will join me.
I am hoping this inspires you to be healthy, and take better care of ourselves.
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