One of the nagging realities of life past cancer is that you always sort of wonder if it is going to show up again.
Most days I simply push the thought to the back of my mind and move on.
Other days, like today when I had a blistering headache, the thought that it may be back will sweep through my brain.
But one thing is for sure, I still think about stupid cancer...
Every.
Single.
Day.
I know it is a waste of time spending even one second thinking about it.
Someday, very soon, I will be done with it all.
Just maybe not today
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Day 346 - To quote
"But don't worry," the alchemist continued. "Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives."
Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist
Don't wait...we are all going to die someday.
Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist
Don't wait...we are all going to die someday.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Day 345 - Echo
Had my 3rd or maybe 4th Echo cardiogram today.
I have finally, sort of, reached acceptance when it comes to all these Dr.'s appointments I have to go to.
As I stood checking in at the hospital I wasn't mad that I was there, I wasn't mad at cancer for putting me through all this nonsense, I let all that go.
This is not to say that I enjoyed the procedure. It is pretty boring actually - imagine an hour long ultrasound on your chest, and that pretty much sums it up.
I am pretty sure my heart is ok - it feels good - it feels full - it feels powerful.
I have finally, sort of, reached acceptance when it comes to all these Dr.'s appointments I have to go to.
As I stood checking in at the hospital I wasn't mad that I was there, I wasn't mad at cancer for putting me through all this nonsense, I let all that go.
This is not to say that I enjoyed the procedure. It is pretty boring actually - imagine an hour long ultrasound on your chest, and that pretty much sums it up.
I am pretty sure my heart is ok - it feels good - it feels full - it feels powerful.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day 344 - Play Ball!
Easter is my least favorite holiday. Sorry for those of you who love peeps, chocolate bunnies, hiding eggs, endless brunches, and honey baked ham.
Part of the problem with Easter is that it always happens to land on a Sunday.
Go figure. :)
Sunday is the worst possible day for a holiday in my opinion.
I like a little more relaxation in my Sunday than Easter can provide.
This Easter Doug and I thought it was really great that we slept in. The children had somehow entertained themselves with their Easter Baskets...
By eating most of their candy.
Within a few hours Harris was speaking in tongues, Harper had a tummy ache, and Graham was running around like "Kevin" in Home Alone.
After the sugar crash, we were able to right the Eikenberry ship with a trip to the park and Graham's first baseball practice.
I had to admit my jealousy as he laced up his new cleats, grabbed his mitt, and met his new teammates. I love everything about baseball (and softball), except the fact that I am no longer the one who gets to play.
So maybe there is something I like about Easter.
It means it's time for baseball season.
Part of the problem with Easter is that it always happens to land on a Sunday.
Go figure. :)
Sunday is the worst possible day for a holiday in my opinion.
I like a little more relaxation in my Sunday than Easter can provide.
This Easter Doug and I thought it was really great that we slept in. The children had somehow entertained themselves with their Easter Baskets...
By eating most of their candy.
Within a few hours Harris was speaking in tongues, Harper had a tummy ache, and Graham was running around like "Kevin" in Home Alone.
After the sugar crash, we were able to right the Eikenberry ship with a trip to the park and Graham's first baseball practice.
I had to admit my jealousy as he laced up his new cleats, grabbed his mitt, and met his new teammates. I love everything about baseball (and softball), except the fact that I am no longer the one who gets to play.
So maybe there is something I like about Easter.
It means it's time for baseball season.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Day 341 - I am Mad
For Mad Men.
I have never been obsessed with a TV show - but from the very beginning I have loved Mad Men.
Doug and I watch it together, usually on Monday, since staying up past 10pm on any night is difficult for us.
Last night we got caught up on Sunday nights episode, and for a while there it was feeling really close to home.
First off, Don has a new secretary, named Dawn. Everyone one in the office found this infinitely hilarious. Having grown up in a house with a father named Don, I can assure you the joke gets really old.
Fast.
Next up, Betty, Don's ex-wife, has a tumor removed from her thyroid, and has to wait a handful of days to learn if it is cancer or not.
There is a sweet scene where she sits in her yard, with her youngest son in her lap, as her two older children run around with sparklers. You can see that she is taking it all in, enjoying the sweetness of it all.
It felt like a scene from my own life. A moment in time that you would want to live over and over if you could.
Happily for Betty the tumor is benign.
I was relieved, the last thing I want is my favorite show to be tarnished with stupid cancer.
The name thing was tough enough.
I have never been obsessed with a TV show - but from the very beginning I have loved Mad Men.
Doug and I watch it together, usually on Monday, since staying up past 10pm on any night is difficult for us.
Last night we got caught up on Sunday nights episode, and for a while there it was feeling really close to home.
First off, Don has a new secretary, named Dawn. Everyone one in the office found this infinitely hilarious. Having grown up in a house with a father named Don, I can assure you the joke gets really old.
Fast.
Next up, Betty, Don's ex-wife, has a tumor removed from her thyroid, and has to wait a handful of days to learn if it is cancer or not.
There is a sweet scene where she sits in her yard, with her youngest son in her lap, as her two older children run around with sparklers. You can see that she is taking it all in, enjoying the sweetness of it all.
It felt like a scene from my own life. A moment in time that you would want to live over and over if you could.
Happily for Betty the tumor is benign.
I was relieved, the last thing I want is my favorite show to be tarnished with stupid cancer.
The name thing was tough enough.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Day 340 - A fog has lifted
I wrote about how a few days ago I woke up and felt that this whole cancer business was behind me.
Today, after work, I went to the gym, determined to really work out. To push myself, and see what I could do.
40 minutes later I was red faced, and dripping sweat. Real, hard earned sweat.
And it felt so good.
As I lay stretching, I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Of wanting the whole gym to appreciate me being there, to understand what I have been through, pat me on my back, and send me on my way.
And then I thought, get over yourself.
You are alive.
You are capable of anything.
And the only person who needs to appreciate what you have been through is you.
Heal and Deal.
d
Today, after work, I went to the gym, determined to really work out. To push myself, and see what I could do.
40 minutes later I was red faced, and dripping sweat. Real, hard earned sweat.
And it felt so good.
As I lay stretching, I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself. Of wanting the whole gym to appreciate me being there, to understand what I have been through, pat me on my back, and send me on my way.
And then I thought, get over yourself.
You are alive.
You are capable of anything.
And the only person who needs to appreciate what you have been through is you.
Heal and Deal.
d
Monday, April 2, 2012
Day 338- the end
We head home from our vacation in the morning, and I am feeling connected to my life and my family once again.
Yesterday was the funeral for my friend "S". I really wanted to be there, but as I explained to a mutual friend "S" would understand that I needed to continue to focus on healing with my family.
I thought about her all day, as I swam, and swam, and swam with the kids. As I dove to the bottom of the pool with Graham, as I had underwater tea parties with Harper, as I tossed Harris from my shoulders. I thought of her children, and how they would likely give everything they had to have one more day like that with their mom.
So I honored "S" by loving my children, by burning the memory of today deep inside my brain. They may not remember the details of the day, but they will remember how they felt. How much their mother loves them.
I also woke up yesterday feeling, for the first time since she died, that our fates were not intertwined, that cancer was going to stay in the rearview mirror for me.
And as much as I am not ok with it, with her dying at 42 with two young children, I have to be ok with what my life will continue to become. With the chance I get to grow old(er).
It is a privilege, my life, every bit of it, and I will forever be grateful to have known my friend, "S".
Yesterday was the funeral for my friend "S". I really wanted to be there, but as I explained to a mutual friend "S" would understand that I needed to continue to focus on healing with my family.
I thought about her all day, as I swam, and swam, and swam with the kids. As I dove to the bottom of the pool with Graham, as I had underwater tea parties with Harper, as I tossed Harris from my shoulders. I thought of her children, and how they would likely give everything they had to have one more day like that with their mom.
So I honored "S" by loving my children, by burning the memory of today deep inside my brain. They may not remember the details of the day, but they will remember how they felt. How much their mother loves them.
I also woke up yesterday feeling, for the first time since she died, that our fates were not intertwined, that cancer was going to stay in the rearview mirror for me.
And as much as I am not ok with it, with her dying at 42 with two young children, I have to be ok with what my life will continue to become. With the chance I get to grow old(er).
It is a privilege, my life, every bit of it, and I will forever be grateful to have known my friend, "S".
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