where am I?

Lately I have been experiencing two divergent realities.

In one  I am always the girl with cancer, in the other I am the girl who surprises people when she says that she did.

The girl with cancer lives mostly in my private life.

That life is still full of Dr's appointments ("any change in your health in the last year?").

That life finds me running into friends who I only see once in a while who tend to have whispered conversations with me over the din of my children asking, conspiratorially, "are you still in remission?"

Sometimes it almost seems disappointing to some people that I have nothing more to report than a clean bill of health.  The drama of the last year has evaporated, and I guess it has left some people jonseing for more.

My cancer life flickers in and out now.  I feel like it is on a little boat, moving farther and father away from my non cancer life.  It bobs up and down in the ocean, and I hope it can find happiness when it reaches the end of the horizon - without me.

In my non cancer life, I am always shocking people about my cancer life.  Today I was talking to someone and dropped a nonchalant "when I was going through chemo" comment and the person looked at me wide eyed and said, "you went though chemo?"

It is nice to be in a place where I can simply say, "yes", and leave it at that.