letting go

The two older Eikenkids were dropped off on Monday for a week of sleep away camp.

I have been thinking about all the fun I hope they are having, the friends they are meeting, the memories they are making.

But also I have been thinking about our lives together, and how I am beginning the slow process of letting them go.

Which reminds me of the slow process I am currently experiencing in letting my cancer go.

Cancer and I were never really good friends.  That bitch kept me up all hours of the night, stole my hair, and if I wasn't paying attention would have killed me DEAD.

So it is confusing to me why I would even want to give her the time of day, allow her any space in my brain.

It is weird, this new place in cancerland, the place where everything is looking alright.  Where all the marks of treatment are now well hidden.

There are days when I just want to let it all go, like a handful of balloons, left to float up and away - to an unseen fate.

Other days I want to hold tight, greedily keeping my cancer, and what happened during the last year, pinning it to my chest for all the world to see.

Like I must with the Eikenkids, eventually I will need to let cancer go.

No matter what an important part of my life it once was.